Show me how to love;

Show me how to love;

I haven’t been making many friends recently; I seem to have a tendency of bringing up things people would much rather hide, ignore…

Act like nothing happened.

The first time that happened, I was 18 and I felt the leading to speak about abstinence, waiting for a spouse and a relationship sanctioned before God… I got a thundering silence.

I got the feeling that all my words were being cut out of my audience’s minds; clearly I was not saying cool stuff.

In a society where sex is considered sin, until you find the “one” in which case we can ignore all the sin and proceed with the happy event, in or out of marriage.

As I decided to cut my talk short that afternoon; I consulted with God and pleaded with Him not to give me any more impressions to speak on unsavory topics…

Until recently.

I have been learning about immediate obedience and listening for the Spirit’s leading in my life… As promised, if you are listening, you WILL hear…. And I heard.

Heard Him asking me to speak on another unsavory topic; I thought we had understood each other the first time round… clearly not.

This time I had to talk about truthful relationships, intimate relationships; beyond lying to each other, hiding our true feeling behind smiles and sermons.

We have had a season where we are being taught about “doing life together” and you know what, the prospect of pretending for the duration of that life was simply beyond consideration.

To watch people lie to each other “in love” and to be asked to contribute to this farce… 

I have made no friends.

I refuse to countenance duplicity; relationships which are so superficial they have no roots to them. We only choose to go as deep as we are comfortable. An imitation, a resemblance of Christ-like love without the sacrifice… Anything outside this, no, let us walk away. Let us not deal. Lest we actually have to communicate for once in this game we have made of life.

My mind screamed vanity! VANITY!!

I want to make friends, so if I blend in, act like I am not bothered, perhaps this need for truth, this desire to deal and make whole… Perhaps it would let me alone. It did not.

Here I am once again, not making any friends; because I simply cannot, will not, conform to these standards…

There must be more than this.

My Father calls me to intimacy; where I will speak my heart and mind to Him, where He protects my feelings and sees me. All of me.

He calls us to the same intimacy with each other…

When God called Adam, “Adam, where are you?” and Adam replies something like “…back here coz we realized we were naked…” that must be where walls were born.

Walls between man and God; Walls between man and man… It went beyond our nakedness to who we were; our spirits lost that intimate contact.

We are called back to that intimate contact, that fellowship that goes beyond politically correct niceties. Ever wondered why we are asked over and over to love one another? To extend God’s love to each other?

I will let you think on that; think on the kind of love he calls you to with himself and then let me know how he calls you to love those you are “doing life” with.

I may not have received this revelation in full… but you and I both know duplicity is not our portion. We are called to greater; in every single way.

Let me say what doing life together means to my simple mind, which is the mind of Christ, might I add…

To love/do life together means;

•    To care enough to stay, even when you do not have all the answers.
•    To seek to understand what lies behind those walls.
•    To seek to protect, with the same vigilance, that which the other protects behind those walls.
•    To uproot those things that would choke life out of the one you love, even when they may not thank you for it.
•    To hope all things
•    To believe all things

Do not get me wrong; I do not say you condone sin where it is, neither am I saying you beat the one you love with rebuke at every opportunity.

No, love is gracious.

To be gracious is not so much about the tone of voice, but in the intention, the choice of timing, audience, and phrasing…

To love is to protect that which your beloved treasures.

It is to cover a multitude of sin; that means not broadcasting one another’s weaknesses in the name of testimony or prayer requests. It means that even if it would be the perfect analogy for a much needed sermon, you seek permission and if it is denied, you protect that privacy.

It means to close ranks about your beloved and protect them from condemnation, even your own. Especially your own.

There must be more than this… It is called love.

Discovering The Heart Of Worship

So, I have not said anything useful lately; I like how people react to raw emotion. The slight wince and the hunted look that appears in their eyes, as if they are looking for a way out of the conversation.

 That said, I do not want to have another awkward conversation with this page, just a conversation.

I have been learning: learning about worship.
I step out of the house on many days, look up at the sky, take in the position of the clouds in the sky, stars (if any), the shade of blue, allow myself to be calmed by the beauty... Then I say," Thank you Father, it is beautiful." I then turn round and walk back into the house.

I love creation and everything that testifies of God's artistry; the crunch of leaves underfoot, the ray of light filtering through dew covered leaves.

"God is a Spirit: and they that worship him must worship him in spirit and in truth." John 4:24

A daunting scripture especially when you are convinced you are unworthy and will somehow never measure up... 

I have been learning; learning about worship, about believing that I am doing something right. For as long as I focus on Him and not on my possible shortcomings, I am ok. 

Do not get me wrong, I am not interpreting this scripture, rather, I am talking about worship. I am talking about finding beauty in creation, sharing good food with good company, listening to the gurgle of a baby's laughter or a spring... 

Beholding these things and acknowledging the creator.

Realising that every moment is an opportunity to worship. 

As long as you look up from your place of despair, look away from the scorching heat, look away and gaze upon creation that was put there for your enjoyment...

Ever wonder why a bubbling brook soothes your soul in a special way, how a happy child draws a like response from those around it...?

My revelation may not be perfect or complete... but if it draws me closer to my footstool at the Father's feet... I have found where I belong.

Photo by Sally Brown

Out of my closet.

I haven't written in a while... why? well because I was hurting. Hurting in a way that many know, but choose never to speak of... See, we, or at least I, come from a tradition of maintained calmness. You remain in one state: happy. If ever you find yourself out of it, fix yourself and then get back to the happy crowd.

So I have learned to conform, lest I am accused of being overly sensitive, guilty of the sin of being emotional... I lie, through my teeth. Of course I am ok, of course all is well. Of course!
SO I have seasons of silence; where you will not catch any glimpse of me, lest the state of my heart and mind offend you. Lest I offend you.

I am learning to live differently; I am aware we are fostering the era of privacy, which for me translates into "hug yourself until all is well" among other things.

But today, I ask to be excused by all you well put together, happy, stable human beings; let me speak to that one person. Yeah, the other weak person, who just like me, has failed to carry the load elegantly making no sound and with all appearance of not being put together. That one person.

The last few days have been great my Father, God, has been amazing; answering prayers I did not know I even had lurking somewhere within me. I just started at what I will dare to call a "dream job" I get to work with lots of brilliant, interesting people, learn lots of new things, even travel at times! I tell myself that I should be happy and I am, but... 

I found myself lonely in a way I have never been before. Looking out the window at a new city, a lovely city, with lovely people and I was sad. The sadness that acknowledges points of happiness, that acknowledges beauty and yet keeps seeking. The loneliness for a companion. That kind. The one YOU would never admit, so I will admit for you... 

I wanted somebody to explore with, yeah, I have friends, but you catch my drift; there is only so much friends can do. I wanted more. You watch all those happy couples and begin to wish... (Ok, right now, I am listening to a teaching on being a happy single person, by Dr. Myles Munroe, so I am not wallowing... I do want out) You watch people hold hands, share a secret laugh with their phones, make a whispered phone call... I may not necessarily do all those things... but the spirit with which it is done. That I want. 

I have been silent, listening to happy tales of loved ones and being happy for the speaker and with all I am I am happy for the speaker. But... One part of me is seeped in wanting and wishing...
Ok, now that I have confessed...

Way forward? I prefer to, like most people in my society, remain in a stable emotional state; no extremes. Especially of the pain variety.
I am listening to sermons, giving myself pep-talks, trusting I will catch up with truths that I know and find my now elusive happy single state.
AND in the spirit of confession; I cry during sad movies, when I read sad novels AND when I watch japanese anime. I am out of my emotional closet. SUE ME.  

Breathe... One day at a time.

Picture by By Ben Casnocha

Bipolar Psalms

You wrote a piece, no, a tribute, articulating your pain…

You want to be committed to that pain…

At least I do.

You know, give it time,

Hold it close…

Let it run its course…

Prove it mattered…

Mbu, “these things take time…”

I hate that comment.

It holds me captive…

To the most painful memories,

Experiences I need to forget…

But “…you know, it takes time…”

Well, I do not care for time tested time limits…

I will set my own…

My limits cover a couple of seconds

3 seconds.

One to think

Two to hurt

Three to compose something new...

If you have read the Psalms of King David,

You know that guy had this trick down…

He could have been diagnosed with bipolarity…

All I know is that, like him,

Halfway through hugging my pain, my mess, close to myself,

I do not want it any more

I am flooded with thoughts,

Of the happy sort

Next thing I know,

Like a sunburst after a storm,

I am smiling through the veil of my tears…

I am praising and laughing

Skipping through my storm…

Peace, perfect peace…

Whose mind is stayed on thee….

Thou wilt keep him in perfect peace, whose mind is stayed on thee: because he trusteth in thee… Isaiah 26:3

Depressed...Almost, not quite.

I thought this was the end of the road for me.
I stared at the the door that would lead me to the bleakness
The bleakness in my heart...
Well...
I have been sad, felt myself sinking
Felt justified, no obliged to sink
Sink, berate, huddle in a small corner...
"Yeah, here I go again,
Messing up a perfectly good thing
Mbu, I have feelings.
Mscwh, feelings my big toe!
Naye, they were there...
Are there..."
I am sick and tired
Of being sick and tired...
So how do I get out of here?There has no temptation taken you, but such as is common to man... 1 Corinthians 10:13
...whatsoever things are true, pure, honest... Philippians 4:8
 Dragging my mind along...
...kicking and screaming
I have found myself new thoughts.
I have to...
Lest I sink...
Continue to sink, berate, huddle...
I choose life...
Every single time i will choose life
MY ABUNDANT LIFE.

...but they that wait upon the Lord... Isaiah 40:27-31

Obsessive Compulsive Disorder

I am uncertain. I do not do this well. Now, clear and well-defined, that I can do. I want to know my days are well-planned out. On Sunday night! 

Sadly life is not all that tidy, well, not mine anyway. It is cluttered with things I need to do, in no defined order. Now, I have been accused of having OCD, I can see how somebody would see that. Truly my need to control and arrange was a painful habit that I did not even know I had. Until those around me started to complain.

I truly do not want to control everything, it is tiresome, many times impossible, especially given all the variables which are the people that life has thrown me with. It is tiresome; to want to control and double check and measure the accuracy of everything. It also means you are working and nagging all the time…

One day at a time:

I used to double-check everything; I set out to would make a phone call, dial and cross-check the life out of those digits. Placing a phone call is a truly fearsome event. I would feel my heart rate and blood pressure hike each time I thought to place a call.

Life is not neat and I have to live it. So how do we do this? I have learned to rest at Father’s feet and take everything one day at a time…

Has it got better? Yes, definitely! From cross-checking the phone number digits 5/6 times, it went down to three and now, I look once. I have learned that to dial a wrong number is not a life threatening event.

I only cross-check the door lock once, after I have pushed it… many times less than the what I had to d, including getting out of bed to check all door locks. You could say the compulsion was based in fear and I would agree. Fear of imperfection, fear of getting things wrong, fear of forgetting…

Yes, I truly lived a life of bondage. But you know what, every day I walk away, closer to a messy room, closer to a bed with creases, closer to a house full of things that are not squeaky clean…

You know what; I can breathe better now. So if my life is unordered right now, I have learned that that too is ok. The one who is in charge of it knows where it is going, so I can sit back and let it be. I could dust a few things while I wait, but I have to cling onto the assurance that He has got it. “For I know the thoughts I think toward you, saith the Lord, thoughts of peace and not of evil, to bring you to an expected end.” Jeremiah 29:11

Petrified

Have you ever:

Got what you thought you wanted…

Found you are terrified of it?

Well, I have.

Be it a new friend, lots of money, that dude I thought would complete me, that perfect job…

I get literally, petrified with the fear that;

I just might mess it up. In fact, I am sure I will mess it up.

As I stand still I recall my past responses;

Denial: no, I do not want it. It is ok, in fact, I never wanted it.

Doubt: is this what I really wanted, maybe I just worked myself into lather over nothing.

Unworthy: me? No, they would never have me. Why me?

Disbelief: this is too good to be true.

Let’s back out of this now!

As I go along with life and I have encountered things I clearly do not deserve like salvation and grace…

Well, these other things seem trivial in comparison. If I managed to qualify (through my extreme inability to qualify) for a life in salvation, well then I guess I have a pass to every single thing I thought I did not deserve.

I walk with assurance that my Father, God has got me and He will fix it if I mess it up…

Now I run forward to those things I once held back from:

He qualifies me.

He is my advocate.

He makes me worthy.

He is the lifter of my head.

 

Image from:  www.markramseymedia.com

Skeletons

We keep silent because we are afraid… scratch that: I keep silent because I am afraid.  Afraid that if you saw my heart you would not stay that if you saw me… You would run off screaming.

I want to write literary works of art, which everybody reads and is blown away by awesomeness. Here goes; I am not always awesome.

Today I was with a group of friends and one of my girls shared how she felt unworthy because her life was not where she wanted it to be… I have felt unworthy.

Unworthy to speak into anybody’s life, to comfort, encourage, admonish… my life was simply not in order. But if I forgot that, ignored my failures, my closet full of Ezekiel’s skeletons… 

This is what I would say.

There is hope. Hope after every hurt: self-inflicted, inflicted by others or whatever comes in-between… 

There is hope. Hope after you have messed up every single thing you touch; relationships, projects, dreams…

There is hope. Hope after your worst nightmare proves to be a wide-awake moment. After what is precious is taken from you.

There is hope. Let me show you where you can find it… Follow me.

“He sent me to give the good news to the poor. Tell prisoners that they are prisoners no more. Tell blind people that they can see. And set the downtrodden free.” Luke 4:18

Let me show you which part speaks to you: 

Are you poor?

Financially, emotionally, intellectually, physically… you are simply inadequate?

Are you a prisoner?

Of your past, your failures, your experiences, others’ experiences, your fears, the unknown, your addictions…

Are you blind?

Unseeing of the beauty of life, hopeless, with darkened visage and bleak future… even physically blind?

Are you downtrodden?

By life, friends, family, insecurity… held down so close to the ground you see nothing else?

Well, right here is your good news, your hope.

“In Him we live and move and have our being…” Acts 17:28 “Behold the old has gone all things have been made new…” 2 Corinthians 5:17

With these few things I declare you free and myself worthy to speak peace into your life. I am not better than you… I have simply accepted my inheritance.

Seeking Approval

I have a lot to say, but then I wonder if some of it will not prove offensive. So, let me try to sculpture it in a way that you understand, that may or may not offend you.

I am tired of tiptoeing; you know, making certain that I do not offend and yet I do. My desire for approval reaches far back into my past and stretches painfully in my present. I want to be acceptable in your eyes, but see, I have failed. In fact, I fall flat on my face at your feet, sprawled gracelessly, seeking your approval.

You have heard of writer’s block, haven’t you? Well, for those who have not, it is basically a time when I have a lot to say and I am either too lazy or too chicken to say it. Other people say that they simply have nothing to say, but that is their opinion. I find that I usually have something to say, the question is if I actually want to say it.

Have you ever had a conversation where your opinion, albeit sought, is not necessarily wanted? No? Well, blessed are you among all people, for you have dodged a bullet. I have friends, who declare they totally find me amazing… until I speak. 

The question is: is it the idea of me that you find attractive, for it is certainly not myself. Yes, I am venting, in fact I have to if you expect to read any more truths, else you will simply find flowery poetry that has nothing whatsoever to do with my actual opinion.

We are all different. A statement, which, although it is true, has been used to brow beat and punish those whose difference does not meet your approval. I find this most common with those who claim to be liberal, but that is a story for another day. This rave is about approval.

It is nice to have pretty manners, to be socially acceptable. I have been told that is the way of life and until this desire snuck into my relationship with God, I thought nothing of it. For me to walk in duplicity before my father who sees me for who I really am is sad indeed. 

Do not misconstrue this: I am unhappy with people who expect me to fit their criteria while lying to my face that they totally adore me, but when this two faced lie reaches its weak hand into the most important relationship in my life…

I have been studying the book of 1 John and the insight I have got on who I am, and what I have been given because of love strips me of any hope I had to impress God. I simply cannot manage it, and you know what, He does not require it of me. For “…while we were yet sinners he loved us…” as I meditated on this I realized that I am blessed whether I am at my best or not. 

Again, do not misunderstand, by the nature of my relationship with my Father, He requires a complete transformation, but that is a transformation of my mind. And when your thinking changes, your life changes with it. I am called to excellence and my journey is leading me there. Not to duplicity. Never there.

This intimacy calls for an honesty that society says we should not have… I choose to speak freely before my king, for He is merciful, and sees my heart.