Out of my closet.

I haven't written in a while... why? well because I was hurting. Hurting in a way that many know, but choose never to speak of... See, we, or at least I, come from a tradition of maintained calmness. You remain in one state: happy. If ever you find yourself out of it, fix yourself and then get back to the happy crowd.

So I have learned to conform, lest I am accused of being overly sensitive, guilty of the sin of being emotional... I lie, through my teeth. Of course I am ok, of course all is well. Of course!
SO I have seasons of silence; where you will not catch any glimpse of me, lest the state of my heart and mind offend you. Lest I offend you.

I am learning to live differently; I am aware we are fostering the era of privacy, which for me translates into "hug yourself until all is well" among other things.

But today, I ask to be excused by all you well put together, happy, stable human beings; let me speak to that one person. Yeah, the other weak person, who just like me, has failed to carry the load elegantly making no sound and with all appearance of not being put together. That one person.

The last few days have been great my Father, God, has been amazing; answering prayers I did not know I even had lurking somewhere within me. I just started at what I will dare to call a "dream job" I get to work with lots of brilliant, interesting people, learn lots of new things, even travel at times! I tell myself that I should be happy and I am, but... 

I found myself lonely in a way I have never been before. Looking out the window at a new city, a lovely city, with lovely people and I was sad. The sadness that acknowledges points of happiness, that acknowledges beauty and yet keeps seeking. The loneliness for a companion. That kind. The one YOU would never admit, so I will admit for you... 

I wanted somebody to explore with, yeah, I have friends, but you catch my drift; there is only so much friends can do. I wanted more. You watch all those happy couples and begin to wish... (Ok, right now, I am listening to a teaching on being a happy single person, by Dr. Myles Munroe, so I am not wallowing... I do want out) You watch people hold hands, share a secret laugh with their phones, make a whispered phone call... I may not necessarily do all those things... but the spirit with which it is done. That I want. 

I have been silent, listening to happy tales of loved ones and being happy for the speaker and with all I am I am happy for the speaker. But... One part of me is seeped in wanting and wishing...
Ok, now that I have confessed...

Way forward? I prefer to, like most people in my society, remain in a stable emotional state; no extremes. Especially of the pain variety.
I am listening to sermons, giving myself pep-talks, trusting I will catch up with truths that I know and find my now elusive happy single state.
AND in the spirit of confession; I cry during sad movies, when I read sad novels AND when I watch japanese anime. I am out of my emotional closet. SUE ME.  

Breathe... One day at a time.

Picture by By Ben Casnocha