I am uncertain. I do not do this well. Now, clear and
well-defined, that I can do. I want to know my days are well-planned out. On
Sunday night!
Sadly life is not all that tidy, well, not mine anyway. It
is cluttered with things I need to do, in no defined order. Now, I have been
accused of having OCD, I can see how somebody would see that. Truly my need to
control and arrange was a painful habit that I did not even know I had. Until
those around me started to complain.
I truly do not want to control everything, it is tiresome,
many times impossible, especially given all the variables which are the people
that life has thrown me with. It is tiresome; to want to control and double
check and measure the accuracy of everything. It also means you are working and
nagging all the time…
One day at a time:
I used to double-check everything; I set out to would make a
phone call, dial and cross-check the life out of those digits. Placing a phone
call is a truly fearsome event. I would feel my heart rate and blood pressure
hike each time I thought to place a call.
Life is not neat and I have to live it. So how do we do
this? I have learned to rest at Father’s feet and take everything one day at a
time…
Has it got better? Yes, definitely! From cross-checking the
phone number digits 5/6 times, it went down to three and now, I look once. I
have learned that to dial a wrong number is not a life threatening event.
I only cross-check the door lock once, after I have pushed
it… many times less than the what I had to d, including getting out of bed to
check all door locks. You could say the compulsion was based in fear and I
would agree. Fear of imperfection, fear of getting things wrong, fear of
forgetting…
Yes, I truly lived a life of bondage. But you know what,
every day I walk away, closer to a messy room, closer to a bed with creases,
closer to a house full of things that are not squeaky clean…
You know what; I can breathe better now. So if my life is
unordered right now, I have learned that that too is ok. The one who is in
charge of it knows where it is going, so I can sit back and let it be. I could
dust a few things while I wait, but I have to cling onto the assurance that He
has got it. “For I know the thoughts I think toward you, saith the Lord,
thoughts of peace and not of evil, to bring you to an expected end.” Jeremiah
29:11
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