Of Visions and Dreams

I had a vision of my life 

I saw a lovely sight that warmed my heart.
I had a dream of my future 
It had you in it.

I had a hope for my life,
A hope that held you with it.
I had a hope, and I held it close.

I had a vision
You too had a vision
I was not in it.

Edith

Beautiful and Empty

Any form of disagreement is hard to take.
Sometimes, it makes you feel broken.
A little dead on the inside.
At least that is what I thought I felt...
But...

I subscribe to a different law.
So I do not mourn as one without hope.
My end was written from the beginning and it is beautiful...

I am persuaded. Fully persuaded.

Romans 8:38-39.

Photo Credits: Edith Namuganga

Perfected: For His Glory.

I have been learning about graciousness; let me first google the definition.

So, this is what I found:

Gracious- adjective.
1. courteous, kind, pleasant.
2. (in christian belief) showing divine grace
Synonyms: merciful, compassionate, kind

 What I am learning incorporates showing divine grace and mercy, compassion and kindness, the very nature of God.

I will never leave you, nor forsake you.

I once wrote about how human nature is selfish, yes, even those really nice people you know. We think about self, what another will do for you, what you can get out of a relationship, how it will make you feel when you do something nice for someone...

And being declared "not nice", "mean" firmly placed me in the opposite corner; I was sure there was no good in me. A lie from the pits of hell.
For a while I would do things in the background; make sure a birthday party happens without a hitch, give time, money, encouragement, all the things considered to be "good". BUT still I was not good.

Where am I going with this?
I started relating with God in this same defeated way; of course He knows I am messed up. It is my fault; even the things I had no control over became my fault. You cannot blame people or circumstances, you decide... and similar thoughts echoed in my mind. And I believed them all.

I remember not talking to God if I really wanted something, because of my past, I was sure there was something wrong with wanting things. It is always better to be indifferent, then you will not get hurt if it doesn't work out.

He kept asking me; "Is that what you really think of me?" and after a while of silence, I admitted that, "Yes God, I am afraid you are teaching me a lesson for something I did" and "I probably resent you, because you could have stopped me or simply told me what it was you wanted changed..."

His responses were always unexpected, "Beloved, I find pleasure in you", "I find no blemish", "I rejoice over you" and each time I would respond with an ill-humored, "why". I would be met with silence.

This silence was not because He did not know what to say; He was saying that He saw me, even better than I saw myself and what He saw was beautiful. I could not understand it.

How do you understand unconditional love when your own love is filled with conditions, strings, "if-statements" and deadlines?

While we were yet sinners, He loved us.

I am loved because I am loved; totally has nothing to do with me and yet has everything to do with me. He chose to love me. He is not blind. He sees me and He loves me.

THEN He started asking me to treat those around me in the same way and I was like; "NO WAY! Have you seen those people???"

Clearly this shows you the state of my heart.

I am learning to treat with grace, those around me. To believe all things, hope all things, rejoice over them... nothing to do with them, everything to do with them.

You know how you make someone mad and apologise and expect them to forget all about it, not treat you any different? Yes?
That is exactly how you should treat them when they wrong you.

This is what I am learning. Of course it cuts across a number of things and as I meditate on it, I find even more applications of this lesson.

I tried, in my own strength, to be a good person yet all the while He was working to perfect me. For His Glory.

Photo Credits: string by Gnu2000 (flickr), Hands by Anand Krshnaswamy

In Wonder of Your Gift: Life.

A friend insisted that I have a gift and I should share it with those around me.
I secretly did not believe him.
At the time, I thought it was me I would share, and in a sense, it is myself that I share; but he meant much more. I was certain I had nothing to share, after all, it is just plain me...

The beauty and wonder of creation. Experience it. Enjoy it.

Last night  I was overwhelmed with the wonderful gift that life (and its experiences) is:
I had just attended a concert by Sauti Ya Africa, a group of very talented musicians, one of them my voice teacher, and I was feeling blessed.

Living life would be just that;
1. If it were not for the ability to taste our food.
2. If not for the ability to recognise beauty.
3. If not for the ability to feel (love, sadness and the tiny feelings in-between).
4. If not for the newness that comes with every new person.
5. If babies were not so perfect and amazing to look at.
6. If there were no color...
7. Worse still, if there were no music, dance...

It would all fall flat, but I guess we would never realise that. We would not know any different.

As we drove away with a beloved friend, and I watched the play of evening lights on the passing scenary, my heart swelled with gratitude.
How he loves us; to give us the gift of life and love and work and people...

What a great opportunity to experience wonder upon wonder...
I have been taking it for granted, taking it all as normal. But it is not.

I know what I have to do with this gift; I will share with you my wonder, my excitement for being alive.
I will share my lessons; the good and the not so easy...
Come lets us take a trip through this gift.
The gift of life.

Walk through the door. Explore.

Photo Credit: Anand Krishnaswamy

He cares for you, watchfully and affectionately.

He more he loves me, the more I love:

I have had the unfortunate experience of messing up a good number of my relationships, and as I saw people give up on me and our relationship, I would get disheartened.

God has also seen me throw tantrums, speak to him in fear and doubt, so our relationship, hemanly speaking, would have been on the rocks.

But he isn't only human, he is God also, and as he treats me graciously after in insult him, when I would expect rejection, he reveals to me a new way to live and love (rebuking me and instructing me anew).

He will hold you through it all...

As he jealously guards my relationship with him, that "nothing will snatch me out of his hand", not even my own failures.

From the heart of one who has been forgiven much, I would like to say: I love you :)

Photo credit: (the awesome)Anand Krishnaswamy

I will work harder!

I am going to keep it brief and hopefully real:
I haven't been myself for a while, scratch that, for most of my life.
Recently, all I could see were my shortcomings; fact was, i was convinced that all my friends and acquaintances wanted was a perfect version of me.

A couple of people have listened to me moan constantly for months about my imperfections.
"...there is therefore now no condemnation..."
I condemned myself with every word that came out of my mouth and with every thought, I isolated myself to that place where no one's love could reach me.
Not God, not my friends, nobody. I had failed them so I would hide and nurse my failure.

Most of the time I would worry at an incident, turning it this way and that, looking for a way to fix it.
For those who love me, this was a constant rejection of their love and forgiveness.

Giving and receiving love and forgiveness is an interesting thing:
I wanted to be worthy, to be deserving, each time i failed, I would apologise profusely,
even knowing in my mind that all these promises of being a better person would fall by the wayside.
I could not let it go; how will they know i am repentant, if it is not followed by a promise of better behaviour?

I will work harder...

Since their love for me correlated to my performance, i felt like Boxer in George Orwell's animal farm, constantly declaring, "I will work harder" in the hope that that would make everything better.
And I failed, been failing...

Should I stop here?
In the spirit of baring all and making no excuses, I probably should
BUT I will share what I have learned from this painful process.

1. I will not glory in my imperfection, rather I will declare all that is good in me. Even those I am yet to achieve.
2. I will accept graciously the love that is given me as unconditional. I will not question it, but celebrate it daily.
3. I will not entertain imaginations of my loved one's non-existent disappointment. Ever.
4. I will not repeat said suspicions to anyone, especially not my loved ones. Not even myself.
5.I will learn from and not dwell on my failure. I will celebrate every learning.

Photo Credit:photography.ivanmcclellan.com

Obsessive Compulsive Disorder

I am uncertain. I do not do this well. Now, clear and well-defined, that I can do. I want to know my days are well-planned out. On Sunday night! 

Sadly life is not all that tidy, well, not mine anyway. It is cluttered with things I need to do, in no defined order. Now, I have been accused of having OCD, I can see how somebody would see that. Truly my need to control and arrange was a painful habit that I did not even know I had. Until those around me started to complain.

I truly do not want to control everything, it is tiresome, many times impossible, especially given all the variables which are the people that life has thrown me with. It is tiresome; to want to control and double check and measure the accuracy of everything. It also means you are working and nagging all the time…

One day at a time:

I used to double-check everything; I set out to would make a phone call, dial and cross-check the life out of those digits. Placing a phone call is a truly fearsome event. I would feel my heart rate and blood pressure hike each time I thought to place a call.

Life is not neat and I have to live it. So how do we do this? I have learned to rest at Father’s feet and take everything one day at a time…

Has it got better? Yes, definitely! From cross-checking the phone number digits 5/6 times, it went down to three and now, I look once. I have learned that to dial a wrong number is not a life threatening event.

I only cross-check the door lock once, after I have pushed it… many times less than the what I had to d, including getting out of bed to check all door locks. You could say the compulsion was based in fear and I would agree. Fear of imperfection, fear of getting things wrong, fear of forgetting…

Yes, I truly lived a life of bondage. But you know what, every day I walk away, closer to a messy room, closer to a bed with creases, closer to a house full of things that are not squeaky clean…

You know what; I can breathe better now. So if my life is unordered right now, I have learned that that too is ok. The one who is in charge of it knows where it is going, so I can sit back and let it be. I could dust a few things while I wait, but I have to cling onto the assurance that He has got it. “For I know the thoughts I think toward you, saith the Lord, thoughts of peace and not of evil, to bring you to an expected end.” Jeremiah 29:11

Petrified

Have you ever:

Got what you thought you wanted…

Found you are terrified of it?

Well, I have.

Be it a new friend, lots of money, that dude I thought would complete me, that perfect job…

I get literally, petrified with the fear that;

I just might mess it up. In fact, I am sure I will mess it up.

As I stand still I recall my past responses;

Denial: no, I do not want it. It is ok, in fact, I never wanted it.

Doubt: is this what I really wanted, maybe I just worked myself into lather over nothing.

Unworthy: me? No, they would never have me. Why me?

Disbelief: this is too good to be true.

Let’s back out of this now!

As I go along with life and I have encountered things I clearly do not deserve like salvation and grace…

Well, these other things seem trivial in comparison. If I managed to qualify (through my extreme inability to qualify) for a life in salvation, well then I guess I have a pass to every single thing I thought I did not deserve.

I walk with assurance that my Father, God has got me and He will fix it if I mess it up…

Now I run forward to those things I once held back from:

He qualifies me.

He is my advocate.

He makes me worthy.

He is the lifter of my head.

 

Image from:  www.markramseymedia.com

Skeletons

We keep silent because we are afraid… scratch that: I keep silent because I am afraid.  Afraid that if you saw my heart you would not stay that if you saw me… You would run off screaming.

I want to write literary works of art, which everybody reads and is blown away by awesomeness. Here goes; I am not always awesome.

Today I was with a group of friends and one of my girls shared how she felt unworthy because her life was not where she wanted it to be… I have felt unworthy.

Unworthy to speak into anybody’s life, to comfort, encourage, admonish… my life was simply not in order. But if I forgot that, ignored my failures, my closet full of Ezekiel’s skeletons… 

This is what I would say.

There is hope. Hope after every hurt: self-inflicted, inflicted by others or whatever comes in-between… 

There is hope. Hope after you have messed up every single thing you touch; relationships, projects, dreams…

There is hope. Hope after your worst nightmare proves to be a wide-awake moment. After what is precious is taken from you.

There is hope. Let me show you where you can find it… Follow me.

“He sent me to give the good news to the poor. Tell prisoners that they are prisoners no more. Tell blind people that they can see. And set the downtrodden free.” Luke 4:18

Let me show you which part speaks to you: 

Are you poor?

Financially, emotionally, intellectually, physically… you are simply inadequate?

Are you a prisoner?

Of your past, your failures, your experiences, others’ experiences, your fears, the unknown, your addictions…

Are you blind?

Unseeing of the beauty of life, hopeless, with darkened visage and bleak future… even physically blind?

Are you downtrodden?

By life, friends, family, insecurity… held down so close to the ground you see nothing else?

Well, right here is your good news, your hope.

“In Him we live and move and have our being…” Acts 17:28 “Behold the old has gone all things have been made new…” 2 Corinthians 5:17

With these few things I declare you free and myself worthy to speak peace into your life. I am not better than you… I have simply accepted my inheritance.

I KNOW whom I have believed!

He says I am Forgiven:
Last night I sinned, against you and my body
I have since scrubbed away at my sinful flesh
Yes, you have forgiven me,
Yes, you have made me pure
…but did you see what I did?

He says I am Righteous:
I sneak along, hugging the walls
Burdened by my sin
Head hung low
Spend nights Weeping, Begging
Hoping… to be made worthy

He says I am the Apple of His Eye:
Yet I draw close in fear;
Of the sin I surely forgot to repent of
Of the grime I surely forgot to scrub away
Of the words that may just not be holy enough
Of someone more worthy…
Needing the audience space I am taking up

He says I am heir and son:
And yet with the homeless skeptic I choose to dwell
To feed on scraps that fall off my own Father’s table
I call upon the universe to beseech my Father
To beg my Father on my behalf…
For my own inheritance

He says I was healed:
Gave me a clean bill of health, he did
But every time I sneeze,
Surely, I have caught something fatal
Surely, I need to see the doctor
Regularly, I visit this doctor
Hoping the check-up gives good news
But secretly suspecting that chest pain to be fatal…

I say I am who He says I am;
Forgiven and Righteous
The Apple of his Eye
His heir, His son…
So, with head held high,
I will enter his courts with praise
With thanksgiving receive my inheritance
With utter conviction walk away
From the pool where we used to scrub at our sin
I am worthy;
Of my Father’s table.

For this reason I also suffer these things; nevertheless I am not ashamed, for I know whom I have believed and am persuaded that He is able to keep what I have committed to Him until that Day… 2Timothy 1:12

Let us therefore come boldly unto the throne of grace...Hebrews 4:16