Of Visions and Dreams

I had a vision of my life 

I saw a lovely sight that warmed my heart.
I had a dream of my future 
It had you in it.

I had a hope for my life,
A hope that held you with it.
I had a hope, and I held it close.

I had a vision
You too had a vision
I was not in it.

Edith

Beautiful and Empty

Any form of disagreement is hard to take.
Sometimes, it makes you feel broken.
A little dead on the inside.
At least that is what I thought I felt...
But...

I subscribe to a different law.
So I do not mourn as one without hope.
My end was written from the beginning and it is beautiful...

I am persuaded. Fully persuaded.

Romans 8:38-39.

Photo Credits: Edith Namuganga

My beloved

I have been learning to listen to God and trust that I hear him, but recently, I have been doubting my hearing. My fear of being wrong was so overwhelming, I refused to be comforted or listen to him anymore, but did he cease to speak to me? Did his words fall out of sync with my life? No, not even once. I was asking if he was even with me as I stressed about money for winter clothes, how I would survive, food, new phone, fellowship of believers and the whole day... this is all he had to say to me.

Joshua 1:9

Today, I woke up thinking about exercise and how unfit I am... And refused to exercise. Guess what? That is exactly what He and I talked about today.

My fears,

Tell me my beloved is not relevant in this situation!

Tell me my father is not bothered by my fears!

Tell me I have been left alone to my own clumsy strength!

I dare you to tell me I have been forgotten, 'cause I am itching to throw your taunts back in your face!

I am my beloved's and he is mine.

In Wonder of Your Gift: Life.

A friend insisted that I have a gift and I should share it with those around me.
I secretly did not believe him.
At the time, I thought it was me I would share, and in a sense, it is myself that I share; but he meant much more. I was certain I had nothing to share, after all, it is just plain me...

The beauty and wonder of creation. Experience it. Enjoy it.

Last night  I was overwhelmed with the wonderful gift that life (and its experiences) is:
I had just attended a concert by Sauti Ya Africa, a group of very talented musicians, one of them my voice teacher, and I was feeling blessed.

Living life would be just that;
1. If it were not for the ability to taste our food.
2. If not for the ability to recognise beauty.
3. If not for the ability to feel (love, sadness and the tiny feelings in-between).
4. If not for the newness that comes with every new person.
5. If babies were not so perfect and amazing to look at.
6. If there were no color...
7. Worse still, if there were no music, dance...

It would all fall flat, but I guess we would never realise that. We would not know any different.

As we drove away with a beloved friend, and I watched the play of evening lights on the passing scenary, my heart swelled with gratitude.
How he loves us; to give us the gift of life and love and work and people...

What a great opportunity to experience wonder upon wonder...
I have been taking it for granted, taking it all as normal. But it is not.

I know what I have to do with this gift; I will share with you my wonder, my excitement for being alive.
I will share my lessons; the good and the not so easy...
Come lets us take a trip through this gift.
The gift of life.

Walk through the door. Explore.

Photo Credit: Anand Krishnaswamy

I will work harder!

I am going to keep it brief and hopefully real:
I haven't been myself for a while, scratch that, for most of my life.
Recently, all I could see were my shortcomings; fact was, i was convinced that all my friends and acquaintances wanted was a perfect version of me.

A couple of people have listened to me moan constantly for months about my imperfections.
"...there is therefore now no condemnation..."
I condemned myself with every word that came out of my mouth and with every thought, I isolated myself to that place where no one's love could reach me.
Not God, not my friends, nobody. I had failed them so I would hide and nurse my failure.

Most of the time I would worry at an incident, turning it this way and that, looking for a way to fix it.
For those who love me, this was a constant rejection of their love and forgiveness.

Giving and receiving love and forgiveness is an interesting thing:
I wanted to be worthy, to be deserving, each time i failed, I would apologise profusely,
even knowing in my mind that all these promises of being a better person would fall by the wayside.
I could not let it go; how will they know i am repentant, if it is not followed by a promise of better behaviour?

I will work harder...

Since their love for me correlated to my performance, i felt like Boxer in George Orwell's animal farm, constantly declaring, "I will work harder" in the hope that that would make everything better.
And I failed, been failing...

Should I stop here?
In the spirit of baring all and making no excuses, I probably should
BUT I will share what I have learned from this painful process.

1. I will not glory in my imperfection, rather I will declare all that is good in me. Even those I am yet to achieve.
2. I will accept graciously the love that is given me as unconditional. I will not question it, but celebrate it daily.
3. I will not entertain imaginations of my loved one's non-existent disappointment. Ever.
4. I will not repeat said suspicions to anyone, especially not my loved ones. Not even myself.
5.I will learn from and not dwell on my failure. I will celebrate every learning.

Photo Credit:photography.ivanmcclellan.com

Bipolar Psalms

You wrote a piece, no, a tribute, articulating your pain…

You want to be committed to that pain…

At least I do.

You know, give it time,

Hold it close…

Let it run its course…

Prove it mattered…

Mbu, “these things take time…”

I hate that comment.

It holds me captive…

To the most painful memories,

Experiences I need to forget…

But “…you know, it takes time…”

Well, I do not care for time tested time limits…

I will set my own…

My limits cover a couple of seconds

3 seconds.

One to think

Two to hurt

Three to compose something new...

If you have read the Psalms of King David,

You know that guy had this trick down…

He could have been diagnosed with bipolarity…

All I know is that, like him,

Halfway through hugging my pain, my mess, close to myself,

I do not want it any more

I am flooded with thoughts,

Of the happy sort

Next thing I know,

Like a sunburst after a storm,

I am smiling through the veil of my tears…

I am praising and laughing

Skipping through my storm…

Peace, perfect peace…

Whose mind is stayed on thee….

Thou wilt keep him in perfect peace, whose mind is stayed on thee: because he trusteth in thee… Isaiah 26:3

Depressed...Almost, not quite.

I thought this was the end of the road for me.
I stared at the the door that would lead me to the bleakness
The bleakness in my heart...
Well...
I have been sad, felt myself sinking
Felt justified, no obliged to sink
Sink, berate, huddle in a small corner...
"Yeah, here I go again,
Messing up a perfectly good thing
Mbu, I have feelings.
Mscwh, feelings my big toe!
Naye, they were there...
Are there..."
I am sick and tired
Of being sick and tired...
So how do I get out of here?There has no temptation taken you, but such as is common to man... 1 Corinthians 10:13
...whatsoever things are true, pure, honest... Philippians 4:8
 Dragging my mind along...
...kicking and screaming
I have found myself new thoughts.
I have to...
Lest I sink...
Continue to sink, berate, huddle...
I choose life...
Every single time i will choose life
MY ABUNDANT LIFE.

...but they that wait upon the Lord... Isaiah 40:27-31