My beloved

I have been learning to listen to God and trust that I hear him, but recently, I have been doubting my hearing. My fear of being wrong was so overwhelming, I refused to be comforted or listen to him anymore, but did he cease to speak to me? Did his words fall out of sync with my life? No, not even once. I was asking if he was even with me as I stressed about money for winter clothes, how I would survive, food, new phone, fellowship of believers and the whole day... this is all he had to say to me.

Joshua 1:9

Today, I woke up thinking about exercise and how unfit I am... And refused to exercise. Guess what? That is exactly what He and I talked about today.

My fears,

Tell me my beloved is not relevant in this situation!

Tell me my father is not bothered by my fears!

Tell me I have been left alone to my own clumsy strength!

I dare you to tell me I have been forgotten, 'cause I am itching to throw your taunts back in your face!

I am my beloved's and he is mine.

Perfected: For His Glory.

I have been learning about graciousness; let me first google the definition.

So, this is what I found:

Gracious- adjective.
1. courteous, kind, pleasant.
2. (in christian belief) showing divine grace
Synonyms: merciful, compassionate, kind

 What I am learning incorporates showing divine grace and mercy, compassion and kindness, the very nature of God.

I will never leave you, nor forsake you.

I once wrote about how human nature is selfish, yes, even those really nice people you know. We think about self, what another will do for you, what you can get out of a relationship, how it will make you feel when you do something nice for someone...

And being declared "not nice", "mean" firmly placed me in the opposite corner; I was sure there was no good in me. A lie from the pits of hell.
For a while I would do things in the background; make sure a birthday party happens without a hitch, give time, money, encouragement, all the things considered to be "good". BUT still I was not good.

Where am I going with this?
I started relating with God in this same defeated way; of course He knows I am messed up. It is my fault; even the things I had no control over became my fault. You cannot blame people or circumstances, you decide... and similar thoughts echoed in my mind. And I believed them all.

I remember not talking to God if I really wanted something, because of my past, I was sure there was something wrong with wanting things. It is always better to be indifferent, then you will not get hurt if it doesn't work out.

He kept asking me; "Is that what you really think of me?" and after a while of silence, I admitted that, "Yes God, I am afraid you are teaching me a lesson for something I did" and "I probably resent you, because you could have stopped me or simply told me what it was you wanted changed..."

His responses were always unexpected, "Beloved, I find pleasure in you", "I find no blemish", "I rejoice over you" and each time I would respond with an ill-humored, "why". I would be met with silence.

This silence was not because He did not know what to say; He was saying that He saw me, even better than I saw myself and what He saw was beautiful. I could not understand it.

How do you understand unconditional love when your own love is filled with conditions, strings, "if-statements" and deadlines?

While we were yet sinners, He loved us.

I am loved because I am loved; totally has nothing to do with me and yet has everything to do with me. He chose to love me. He is not blind. He sees me and He loves me.

THEN He started asking me to treat those around me in the same way and I was like; "NO WAY! Have you seen those people???"

Clearly this shows you the state of my heart.

I am learning to treat with grace, those around me. To believe all things, hope all things, rejoice over them... nothing to do with them, everything to do with them.

You know how you make someone mad and apologise and expect them to forget all about it, not treat you any different? Yes?
That is exactly how you should treat them when they wrong you.

This is what I am learning. Of course it cuts across a number of things and as I meditate on it, I find even more applications of this lesson.

I tried, in my own strength, to be a good person yet all the while He was working to perfect me. For His Glory.

Photo Credits: string by Gnu2000 (flickr), Hands by Anand Krshnaswamy

In Wonder of Your Gift: Life.

A friend insisted that I have a gift and I should share it with those around me.
I secretly did not believe him.
At the time, I thought it was me I would share, and in a sense, it is myself that I share; but he meant much more. I was certain I had nothing to share, after all, it is just plain me...

The beauty and wonder of creation. Experience it. Enjoy it.

Last night  I was overwhelmed with the wonderful gift that life (and its experiences) is:
I had just attended a concert by Sauti Ya Africa, a group of very talented musicians, one of them my voice teacher, and I was feeling blessed.

Living life would be just that;
1. If it were not for the ability to taste our food.
2. If not for the ability to recognise beauty.
3. If not for the ability to feel (love, sadness and the tiny feelings in-between).
4. If not for the newness that comes with every new person.
5. If babies were not so perfect and amazing to look at.
6. If there were no color...
7. Worse still, if there were no music, dance...

It would all fall flat, but I guess we would never realise that. We would not know any different.

As we drove away with a beloved friend, and I watched the play of evening lights on the passing scenary, my heart swelled with gratitude.
How he loves us; to give us the gift of life and love and work and people...

What a great opportunity to experience wonder upon wonder...
I have been taking it for granted, taking it all as normal. But it is not.

I know what I have to do with this gift; I will share with you my wonder, my excitement for being alive.
I will share my lessons; the good and the not so easy...
Come lets us take a trip through this gift.
The gift of life.

Walk through the door. Explore.

Photo Credit: Anand Krishnaswamy

Who Am I? (Be yourself)

I have been afraid of writing, because I was feared it would be a lie... that I would not speak my heart. But I am learning to trust myself. Trust my heart.

So this is what I came up with...

I am perfect:

Growing up where I did, was growing up with expectations; I have a very supportive family, I cannot complain.

But growing up with all their expectations was hard. Almost each one had a vision for my life, for one, that I will always be at the top in my school, even appear in the national papers for my genius, For another, that I will excel at maths and simply ace every exam and for another that I would receive salvation and be a good kid and for my parents, work hard and have a better life...

All these visions have shaped me into who I am; a human being obsessed with perfection, unrelenting in my criticism of self, a child of God, utterly terrified of disappointing him and barely able to hear his voice amidst all the worry. 

This instance of me, this one version, is the right version... image from forbes.com

I am the likeness of God:

It is laughable how the Word of God describes me at every turn; as one who sees who I am, and forgets my very likeness... 

James 1:23-24 says "For if any be a hearer of the word and not a doer, he is like a man beholding his natural face in a glass: For he beholdeth himself and goeth his way and straightway forgetteth what manner of man he was."

For years as a child, I did not look at myself in mirrors; I was convinced I was the fattest, strangest creature alive and it creeped into my adulthood and almost every area of my life.

Somebody else was always better; If I met a guy and he said he liked me, an image of all my lovely, girly girl-friends would come to mind. (I have always been more of a tom-boy, mainly because I hated the girly clothes and shoes... how do I explain that they were plain hideous?) 

I would go on to tell this boy/man about every sweet girly friend in my life, because I had heard all these things about how girls were meant to behave and dress and I was none of that...

I am worthy...

I had stopped writing; maybe what I felt was overwhelming. Or maybe I was afraid.

I missed my writing, I missed my constant companion. I missed my daily pouring out of my heart on paper as my Lord read it... Like the clouds in a drought, I withheld my refreshing goodness. I knew what to say and would not say it. I was not talking to God. 

I had failed.

I was broken and it was my fault. I had no idea how to fix me... I was no longer worthy, my words could no longer be used to bless... I was unworthy.

I am Edith, the son of God.

Until Monday, 10th November 2013, this week... I thought and believed all these things about myself...

I was imperfect, not beautiful or worthy of anyone's notice...

On Monday, my Father rebuked me; he shined a light on all my wrong thoughts and asked me to believe His word. Regardless of my failures, both present and past. He asked me to walk in obedience with Him. Allow healing to surround and comfort my waste-places.

Isaiah 51:3 says "For the Lord shall comfort Zion: he will comfort all her waste places; and he will make her wilderness like Eden and her desert like the garden of the Lord; joy and gladness shall be found therein, thanksgiving and the voice of melody."

He stopped me, rebuked me, because my words and thoughts were destroying His Beloved, myself.

Hebrews 12:5-11 mentions how I am his son, how he chastens/rebukes so that I may have life...

that I may yield the peaceable fruit of righteousness and be a partaker of his holiness...

Who am I? 

I am who he says I am and right now, that calls for me to shut out all voices except His. Trust that He will give me an identity, remind me of who I am; who He meant me to be.

Jeremiah 29:11-13 says "For I know the thoughts I think towards you, saith the Lord, thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you and expected end. Then shall ye call upon me and ye shall go and pray to me and I will hearken unto you. And ye shall seek me and find me, when you seek me with all your heart."

I am learning that I am perfect, that I am worthy, regardless of my performance. This instance of me, this one version, is the right version.

I am learning that what my Father says is who I am, whether I see it in the natural or not...

I am confident that He who has begun this good work in me, will be faithful to accomplish it...

Obsessive Compulsive Disorder

I am uncertain. I do not do this well. Now, clear and well-defined, that I can do. I want to know my days are well-planned out. On Sunday night! 

Sadly life is not all that tidy, well, not mine anyway. It is cluttered with things I need to do, in no defined order. Now, I have been accused of having OCD, I can see how somebody would see that. Truly my need to control and arrange was a painful habit that I did not even know I had. Until those around me started to complain.

I truly do not want to control everything, it is tiresome, many times impossible, especially given all the variables which are the people that life has thrown me with. It is tiresome; to want to control and double check and measure the accuracy of everything. It also means you are working and nagging all the time…

One day at a time:

I used to double-check everything; I set out to would make a phone call, dial and cross-check the life out of those digits. Placing a phone call is a truly fearsome event. I would feel my heart rate and blood pressure hike each time I thought to place a call.

Life is not neat and I have to live it. So how do we do this? I have learned to rest at Father’s feet and take everything one day at a time…

Has it got better? Yes, definitely! From cross-checking the phone number digits 5/6 times, it went down to three and now, I look once. I have learned that to dial a wrong number is not a life threatening event.

I only cross-check the door lock once, after I have pushed it… many times less than the what I had to d, including getting out of bed to check all door locks. You could say the compulsion was based in fear and I would agree. Fear of imperfection, fear of getting things wrong, fear of forgetting…

Yes, I truly lived a life of bondage. But you know what, every day I walk away, closer to a messy room, closer to a bed with creases, closer to a house full of things that are not squeaky clean…

You know what; I can breathe better now. So if my life is unordered right now, I have learned that that too is ok. The one who is in charge of it knows where it is going, so I can sit back and let it be. I could dust a few things while I wait, but I have to cling onto the assurance that He has got it. “For I know the thoughts I think toward you, saith the Lord, thoughts of peace and not of evil, to bring you to an expected end.” Jeremiah 29:11

Journey of Trust

There are things we really want and we pray to Father, telling Him just how much we want them. In my case, I go before Him with the fear that I do not deserve what I am asking for, or that He will say no. I fear the latter more, maybe because I have already come to terms with my un-deservingness.

So here I am, wide awake, listening to some Josh Groban and dragging my thoughts on a faith journey. The Word says perfect love casts out all fear (1 John4:18). What this is telling me right now is simple, that I should not be afraid, because of Love within me.

Why is it that each time something important comes up in my life, I doubt my Father’s ability to take care of me? When I was 12 I had exactly the same fear as when I was 15 praying for my mother to live. And when she died, I was sure the fault lay somewhere with me. Then when I was 16, hoping to be accepted back in my High school for my A’ levels I had the same fear. I think this time the weeping was even more magnified; for I had prayed, asking for something that was important to me, and received what I interpreted as a negative answer with my mother’s death, surely this was less important and would receive a similar answer.

Fear had been sown in my heart. I doubted my heavenly father’s heart towards me; surely I would not get what I really wanted. And that time I did, I was still in His grace. Then came university entry and once again I was gripped with the fear that my requests would somehow not meet father’s approval… Fear was still resident in my heart…

Since then I have been attracted to a number of young men and not a one of them was mine… Fear was still resident in my heart. 

Right now, as I again ask for something I really want I am back at this place and once again I am faced with the question: Do you believe my heart towards you, my beloved?

See, most people would share this as a testimony of how good God has been, possibly after they have received the good man, the good job, the promotion, or whatever it is they are asking for… This for me is more than that.

This is me saying it is not easy to trust and this is me saying I choose to trust. I am trusting that Father’s plan for my life is good, to give me a hope and a future, to prosper me, a plan to place me according to my purpose (Jeremiah 29:11).

This is me telling my soul to rest in Him. And this is me asking you to take this journey with me and do the same.