Sailing through the storm

Sailing through the storm

I am currently reading Joyce Meyer's Promises of Everyday Life devotion, I thought I would share what i have been learning with you :)

I am going to leave out her notes and simply share mine, feel free to subscribe for the devotional and read it with me. It has some great thought starters.

I will share what I learned today. I would like to point out, that as you read the word, be expectant. Know with certainty the the word will be relevant and be of use to rebuke, correct and  encourage.

Dealing with Emotions While Grieving ~Joyce Meyer

Bible reference Psalm 42:5

"The Bible talks of how King David was feeling depressed but he resisted it. He didn't sink into it or get into the pit of despair. He described how he felt, but he made a decision not to live by his feelings. He praised and trusted in God."

My Notes:

Right now, I am learning to simply look pain in the eye and tell it my father is faithful to his word. Joy will come in the morning, just like he said. And he will hold me through the night.
Many times we assume that Psalm 30: 5 “sorrow may last for a night, but joy comes in the morning” means we will be going through hard times alone, with God waiting for us at the end of the tunnel. His word says that Psalm 23:4 “though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me, your rod and staff they comfort me” Even when we are wrong and it's clearly our fault, he guides us out.
Romans 8:28 "All things work together for good for them who love the Lord, for those who are called according to his purpose”
Allow yourself to be guided by his Spirit, through life, or the minefields of your own mistakes. He is faithful to his word.
Joshua 1:9 "Be strong and of a good courage, be not afraid, neither be thou dismayed. For the Lord your God is with you whithersoever thous goest”

Key word: Whithersoever.

Khaya iBhubesi, Parys Free State, South Africa

 Photo Credits: Edith Namuganga

Who Am I? (Be yourself)

I have been afraid of writing, because I was feared it would be a lie... that I would not speak my heart. But I am learning to trust myself. Trust my heart.

So this is what I came up with...

I am perfect:

Growing up where I did, was growing up with expectations; I have a very supportive family, I cannot complain.

But growing up with all their expectations was hard. Almost each one had a vision for my life, for one, that I will always be at the top in my school, even appear in the national papers for my genius, For another, that I will excel at maths and simply ace every exam and for another that I would receive salvation and be a good kid and for my parents, work hard and have a better life...

All these visions have shaped me into who I am; a human being obsessed with perfection, unrelenting in my criticism of self, a child of God, utterly terrified of disappointing him and barely able to hear his voice amidst all the worry. 

This instance of me, this one version, is the right version... image from forbes.com

I am the likeness of God:

It is laughable how the Word of God describes me at every turn; as one who sees who I am, and forgets my very likeness... 

James 1:23-24 says "For if any be a hearer of the word and not a doer, he is like a man beholding his natural face in a glass: For he beholdeth himself and goeth his way and straightway forgetteth what manner of man he was."

For years as a child, I did not look at myself in mirrors; I was convinced I was the fattest, strangest creature alive and it creeped into my adulthood and almost every area of my life.

Somebody else was always better; If I met a guy and he said he liked me, an image of all my lovely, girly girl-friends would come to mind. (I have always been more of a tom-boy, mainly because I hated the girly clothes and shoes... how do I explain that they were plain hideous?) 

I would go on to tell this boy/man about every sweet girly friend in my life, because I had heard all these things about how girls were meant to behave and dress and I was none of that...

I am worthy...

I had stopped writing; maybe what I felt was overwhelming. Or maybe I was afraid.

I missed my writing, I missed my constant companion. I missed my daily pouring out of my heart on paper as my Lord read it... Like the clouds in a drought, I withheld my refreshing goodness. I knew what to say and would not say it. I was not talking to God. 

I had failed.

I was broken and it was my fault. I had no idea how to fix me... I was no longer worthy, my words could no longer be used to bless... I was unworthy.

I am Edith, the son of God.

Until Monday, 10th November 2013, this week... I thought and believed all these things about myself...

I was imperfect, not beautiful or worthy of anyone's notice...

On Monday, my Father rebuked me; he shined a light on all my wrong thoughts and asked me to believe His word. Regardless of my failures, both present and past. He asked me to walk in obedience with Him. Allow healing to surround and comfort my waste-places.

Isaiah 51:3 says "For the Lord shall comfort Zion: he will comfort all her waste places; and he will make her wilderness like Eden and her desert like the garden of the Lord; joy and gladness shall be found therein, thanksgiving and the voice of melody."

He stopped me, rebuked me, because my words and thoughts were destroying His Beloved, myself.

Hebrews 12:5-11 mentions how I am his son, how he chastens/rebukes so that I may have life...

that I may yield the peaceable fruit of righteousness and be a partaker of his holiness...

Who am I? 

I am who he says I am and right now, that calls for me to shut out all voices except His. Trust that He will give me an identity, remind me of who I am; who He meant me to be.

Jeremiah 29:11-13 says "For I know the thoughts I think towards you, saith the Lord, thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you and expected end. Then shall ye call upon me and ye shall go and pray to me and I will hearken unto you. And ye shall seek me and find me, when you seek me with all your heart."

I am learning that I am perfect, that I am worthy, regardless of my performance. This instance of me, this one version, is the right version.

I am learning that what my Father says is who I am, whether I see it in the natural or not...

I am confident that He who has begun this good work in me, will be faithful to accomplish it...

The Tale Of A Former Sluggard

I had forgotten a few things; I had forgotten how to play, how to laugh simply because I can. I had forgotten.  I have been living in some kind of in-between universe, where I am waiting for life to happen to me, somebody to make a decision for me. 

It is easy to look at, point at, bleed for, somebody else when your own life is in a mess; I call those ostrich moments. I have had a couple of those lately, in fact for most of my life; blamed failure on pressure from those around me (believe me, it is a valid reason, pressure does have the ability to suck you dry), in that way, each time I felt even a little pressured, I gave up without a fight. It is a bit like giving up on a race simply because you have seen somebody run past you…

Anyway, most of you are not like me; no, you have always been hard workers; so let me share from my own experience. Perhaps you will understand where I am.

God is good. Always. That said I am still understanding some of these truths, how I come into the bigger picture, how I fit in. I think one of my biggest questions is why I was born into such a competitive era; I could work with a simple arranged marriage, an existence of farming my man’s lands, or better yet, being a kept woman. 

He must have known I would totally love the technology and the clothes and the quirky people around me. Anyway, back to the story of my laziness; I would much rather have things happen to me, sit on the throne of the complainer and simply appreciate life. 

Something my friend Mire keeps saying “He is committed to our development”, so when I started on the path of salvation, I gave up the role of a sluggard. The more I learned of Him, of life with Him, the harder I worked. The more I desired to work for Him, the greater the need to get up and get moving.

Contradictory scripture for you “Come unto me all ye who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn of me, for I am meek and lowly in heart; and you shall find rest unto your souls” (Matthew 11:28-29)

Now, I wanted the rest, none of this yoke carrying, none of this hard labor. Only the rest. But see, I wanted the healing, deliverance, and success that came with the Salvation package. Then there I am being told I have to prove myself a good work man, and I have to walk around donning armor…

Geez, there goes my rest. When I was a child, I spoke as a child, I understood as a child, but now that I am a MAN, I have to put away childish things… Which pretty much means decisions, hard work, and responsibility; BUT also the freedom and multiplication of my domain, reaching the people that my heart so desires to bless.

I have been thinking the past few weeks, (and I would like to thank you for being part of this journey), oh yes, I have been thinking and I think creation has held its breathe long enough.

It is time for me to be revealed, to be unleashed upon the world. See, there are some things we will get to talk about, things whose existence in your life you would much rather deny. Of course you are happy; you are your very own higher power… This weakling will be sharing with you, oh mighty one, her journey with the Creator God, aka I AM.

Beholden to my Father

So, I was sharing about this trust business with you the other day, saying how I, very painfully, was choosing to trust my heavenly Father. But I wonder if that was all there was to it.

Let me share a bit of my story: I have had a pretty rough life, you know fighting with siblings for food, shoes, beddings, clothing… Yeah, life has been hard. I have had to claw my way to the top. If you want an interpretation for this, read “Life with a sister” if that book does not exist, I will write it!

Now, as I was saying, I clawed my way through it all. Even when I went to school; it was a dog eat dog world (not sure that fits there, but I mean, those kids ate my lunch!) I had to learn to defend myself. Or to be precise to hide myself, better still be invisible.  And that was before the fight for perfect grades came along…

Through the years I have come to learn that there is no excuse for failure, not even a terminal illness, as is evidenced by the countless testimonies of people who topped the country from hospital beds. Somehow, I knew I was expected to beat the odds. No cutting slack for this mortal.

So, there is no excuse for failure and you also know that for all good behavior, for good grades, for any win, you are granted the right to approach your provider and make your requests known…only if all is in order. And make sure you made your bed, did the dishes and fed the cat-dog.

Where am I going with this? The grace walk asks me to divorce myself form this nature, in fact it invites me to come as I am. How preposterous! Dear God, let me explain how the world works. You do not give a great number of gifts to a leprous unclean unreliable failure without any guarantees of change or of perfection, save for the effects of Your eternal company. ARE WE TOGETHER?!

Now that we have that out of the way, let me continue. I joined this grace shebang early in life, with just a few misdemeanors to my name, which I immediately set about fixing. And since then, the trend was set; we all know you do not ask for anything, especially if you do not deserve it. AND people only give you gifts only when they expect something in return… But then again, it is only I who has such a jaundiced view of the world. People give out of love in your world, lucky bugger! 

So, here I sit reading this bible which constantly invites me to ask God for things. Yeah, sure, I am getting round to that part. But first will you show me what you do not like about me? See, I still recall the last BIG gift you handed me, and I still do not think I have paid my dues…

I have been transformed by the dragging of my mind (kicking and screaming) to the understanding of the statutes of the Lord God. I am looking in the mirror and being transformed… you said that is what you wanted of me, right? 

I have set about the work of making myself worthy of this grace and favor and yet each time I approach Your throne, I am tongue tied, for once again, I am reminded of my shortcomings.

So what happens to me now? Do I never ask for a thing from my self-proclaimed provider? 

Now that we have finished the background, let us get to the real story: Beholden to my Father.

Yes, I am beholden, indebted.

To the one who owns the universe

The one who created me

With specific purpose

A purpose I have sought

And seem to have miserably missed

Or messed up

I am beholden to a being so big

The earth is his footstool

I despair

Like a slave trying to pay off

A miserly, niggardly master

Who has counted my dues down to the last penny

With what eyes I view my Beloved

My generous Master

Who has chosen to walk into my warped life

Offer His own life as payment for my dues

And when He seems to turn His back

Here I am trying to pay Him back…

As if I could ever match His worth…

I thought this the best way to express where I am right now. In that place where you are asking Him what you can give Him in payment for what you stand at His feet requesting of Him.

I am used to paying my dues, what happens when my giver expects nothing in return? Not perfection, not my complete transformation…simply my trust.

Honestly, I am dubious. But He leaves me no option: I will be beholden to Him, in time and eternity. Just need to learn to be a graceful receiver

Journey of Trust

There are things we really want and we pray to Father, telling Him just how much we want them. In my case, I go before Him with the fear that I do not deserve what I am asking for, or that He will say no. I fear the latter more, maybe because I have already come to terms with my un-deservingness.

So here I am, wide awake, listening to some Josh Groban and dragging my thoughts on a faith journey. The Word says perfect love casts out all fear (1 John4:18). What this is telling me right now is simple, that I should not be afraid, because of Love within me.

Why is it that each time something important comes up in my life, I doubt my Father’s ability to take care of me? When I was 12 I had exactly the same fear as when I was 15 praying for my mother to live. And when she died, I was sure the fault lay somewhere with me. Then when I was 16, hoping to be accepted back in my High school for my A’ levels I had the same fear. I think this time the weeping was even more magnified; for I had prayed, asking for something that was important to me, and received what I interpreted as a negative answer with my mother’s death, surely this was less important and would receive a similar answer.

Fear had been sown in my heart. I doubted my heavenly father’s heart towards me; surely I would not get what I really wanted. And that time I did, I was still in His grace. Then came university entry and once again I was gripped with the fear that my requests would somehow not meet father’s approval… Fear was still resident in my heart…

Since then I have been attracted to a number of young men and not a one of them was mine… Fear was still resident in my heart. 

Right now, as I again ask for something I really want I am back at this place and once again I am faced with the question: Do you believe my heart towards you, my beloved?

See, most people would share this as a testimony of how good God has been, possibly after they have received the good man, the good job, the promotion, or whatever it is they are asking for… This for me is more than that.

This is me saying it is not easy to trust and this is me saying I choose to trust. I am trusting that Father’s plan for my life is good, to give me a hope and a future, to prosper me, a plan to place me according to my purpose (Jeremiah 29:11).

This is me telling my soul to rest in Him. And this is me asking you to take this journey with me and do the same.