As the Harmonica plays...

The harmonica is playing.
It is framing my thoughts.
Although it provides a melancholy twist to the air,
It is still a musical background to my thoughts...

"He plays the harmonica quite well." my mind comments to itself.
The other part of my mind is absorbed in wonder.
And singing a song of a completely different tempo.

The song is; " I am not forgotten"

My big brother wrote me an email.
And in it was a reminder that I am loved.

No, wait!

Yes, my big brother loves me.

The contents of his email were the reminder:

They spoke of Jehovah El Shaddai.
My daddy, the one with so many names.
The One who is teaching me what life with a father is like.

I do have an earthly father, but I did not get much time with him growing up.
And I guess the years of separation affect how close and how open you can get...
But as I get to know this Father, I have come to love that father even more...
Let me share what my big brother shared:

He wrote:

El Shaddai means:

1.    The All Sufficient One.

2.   God Almighty (In English language).

3.   He Heaps Benefits.

4.   He Pours out Blessings.

5.   He Abundantly Blesses with all manner of blessings ( health,favour,love,joy,peace,patience,kindness,goodness,faithfulness,gentleness, self-control, forgiveness name it).

6.   The All Sufficient Sustainer.

7.   One who Satisfies( am reminded of the song that with long life, He will satisfy me, He will satisfy me…..Only You can satisfy)

8.   One who Supplies.

9.   One who Nourishes.

May the LORD El Shaddai watch over you, reveal Himself and constantly assure you that you’re right in His safest hands ever.

And as tears crept into my eyes and flowed down my face, I have been reminded.
He is right here and he is watching over me.

1 Peter 5:7Amplified Bible (AMP)

⁷ Casting the ^[a]whole of your care [all your anxieties, all your worries, all your concerns, ^[b]once and for all] on Him, for He cares for you affectionately and cares about you ^[c]watchfully.

In Wonder of Your Gift: Life.

A friend insisted that I have a gift and I should share it with those around me.
I secretly did not believe him.
At the time, I thought it was me I would share, and in a sense, it is myself that I share; but he meant much more. I was certain I had nothing to share, after all, it is just plain me...

The beauty and wonder of creation. Experience it. Enjoy it.

Last night  I was overwhelmed with the wonderful gift that life (and its experiences) is:
I had just attended a concert by Sauti Ya Africa, a group of very talented musicians, one of them my voice teacher, and I was feeling blessed.

Living life would be just that;
1. If it were not for the ability to taste our food.
2. If not for the ability to recognise beauty.
3. If not for the ability to feel (love, sadness and the tiny feelings in-between).
4. If not for the newness that comes with every new person.
5. If babies were not so perfect and amazing to look at.
6. If there were no color...
7. Worse still, if there were no music, dance...

It would all fall flat, but I guess we would never realise that. We would not know any different.

As we drove away with a beloved friend, and I watched the play of evening lights on the passing scenary, my heart swelled with gratitude.
How he loves us; to give us the gift of life and love and work and people...

What a great opportunity to experience wonder upon wonder...
I have been taking it for granted, taking it all as normal. But it is not.

I know what I have to do with this gift; I will share with you my wonder, my excitement for being alive.
I will share my lessons; the good and the not so easy...
Come lets us take a trip through this gift.
The gift of life.

Walk through the door. Explore.

Photo Credit: Anand Krishnaswamy

Who Am I? (Be yourself)

I have been afraid of writing, because I was feared it would be a lie... that I would not speak my heart. But I am learning to trust myself. Trust my heart.

So this is what I came up with...

I am perfect:

Growing up where I did, was growing up with expectations; I have a very supportive family, I cannot complain.

But growing up with all their expectations was hard. Almost each one had a vision for my life, for one, that I will always be at the top in my school, even appear in the national papers for my genius, For another, that I will excel at maths and simply ace every exam and for another that I would receive salvation and be a good kid and for my parents, work hard and have a better life...

All these visions have shaped me into who I am; a human being obsessed with perfection, unrelenting in my criticism of self, a child of God, utterly terrified of disappointing him and barely able to hear his voice amidst all the worry. 

This instance of me, this one version, is the right version... image from forbes.com

I am the likeness of God:

It is laughable how the Word of God describes me at every turn; as one who sees who I am, and forgets my very likeness... 

James 1:23-24 says "For if any be a hearer of the word and not a doer, he is like a man beholding his natural face in a glass: For he beholdeth himself and goeth his way and straightway forgetteth what manner of man he was."

For years as a child, I did not look at myself in mirrors; I was convinced I was the fattest, strangest creature alive and it creeped into my adulthood and almost every area of my life.

Somebody else was always better; If I met a guy and he said he liked me, an image of all my lovely, girly girl-friends would come to mind. (I have always been more of a tom-boy, mainly because I hated the girly clothes and shoes... how do I explain that they were plain hideous?) 

I would go on to tell this boy/man about every sweet girly friend in my life, because I had heard all these things about how girls were meant to behave and dress and I was none of that...

I am worthy...

I had stopped writing; maybe what I felt was overwhelming. Or maybe I was afraid.

I missed my writing, I missed my constant companion. I missed my daily pouring out of my heart on paper as my Lord read it... Like the clouds in a drought, I withheld my refreshing goodness. I knew what to say and would not say it. I was not talking to God. 

I had failed.

I was broken and it was my fault. I had no idea how to fix me... I was no longer worthy, my words could no longer be used to bless... I was unworthy.

I am Edith, the son of God.

Until Monday, 10th November 2013, this week... I thought and believed all these things about myself...

I was imperfect, not beautiful or worthy of anyone's notice...

On Monday, my Father rebuked me; he shined a light on all my wrong thoughts and asked me to believe His word. Regardless of my failures, both present and past. He asked me to walk in obedience with Him. Allow healing to surround and comfort my waste-places.

Isaiah 51:3 says "For the Lord shall comfort Zion: he will comfort all her waste places; and he will make her wilderness like Eden and her desert like the garden of the Lord; joy and gladness shall be found therein, thanksgiving and the voice of melody."

He stopped me, rebuked me, because my words and thoughts were destroying His Beloved, myself.

Hebrews 12:5-11 mentions how I am his son, how he chastens/rebukes so that I may have life...

that I may yield the peaceable fruit of righteousness and be a partaker of his holiness...

Who am I? 

I am who he says I am and right now, that calls for me to shut out all voices except His. Trust that He will give me an identity, remind me of who I am; who He meant me to be.

Jeremiah 29:11-13 says "For I know the thoughts I think towards you, saith the Lord, thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you and expected end. Then shall ye call upon me and ye shall go and pray to me and I will hearken unto you. And ye shall seek me and find me, when you seek me with all your heart."

I am learning that I am perfect, that I am worthy, regardless of my performance. This instance of me, this one version, is the right version.

I am learning that what my Father says is who I am, whether I see it in the natural or not...

I am confident that He who has begun this good work in me, will be faithful to accomplish it...

Discovering The Heart Of Worship

So, I have not said anything useful lately; I like how people react to raw emotion. The slight wince and the hunted look that appears in their eyes, as if they are looking for a way out of the conversation.

 That said, I do not want to have another awkward conversation with this page, just a conversation.

I have been learning: learning about worship.
I step out of the house on many days, look up at the sky, take in the position of the clouds in the sky, stars (if any), the shade of blue, allow myself to be calmed by the beauty... Then I say," Thank you Father, it is beautiful." I then turn round and walk back into the house.

I love creation and everything that testifies of God's artistry; the crunch of leaves underfoot, the ray of light filtering through dew covered leaves.

"God is a Spirit: and they that worship him must worship him in spirit and in truth." John 4:24

A daunting scripture especially when you are convinced you are unworthy and will somehow never measure up... 

I have been learning; learning about worship, about believing that I am doing something right. For as long as I focus on Him and not on my possible shortcomings, I am ok. 

Do not get me wrong, I am not interpreting this scripture, rather, I am talking about worship. I am talking about finding beauty in creation, sharing good food with good company, listening to the gurgle of a baby's laughter or a spring... 

Beholding these things and acknowledging the creator.

Realising that every moment is an opportunity to worship. 

As long as you look up from your place of despair, look away from the scorching heat, look away and gaze upon creation that was put there for your enjoyment...

Ever wonder why a bubbling brook soothes your soul in a special way, how a happy child draws a like response from those around it...?

My revelation may not be perfect or complete... but if it draws me closer to my footstool at the Father's feet... I have found where I belong.

Photo by Sally Brown

Out of my closet.

I haven't written in a while... why? well because I was hurting. Hurting in a way that many know, but choose never to speak of... See, we, or at least I, come from a tradition of maintained calmness. You remain in one state: happy. If ever you find yourself out of it, fix yourself and then get back to the happy crowd.

So I have learned to conform, lest I am accused of being overly sensitive, guilty of the sin of being emotional... I lie, through my teeth. Of course I am ok, of course all is well. Of course!
SO I have seasons of silence; where you will not catch any glimpse of me, lest the state of my heart and mind offend you. Lest I offend you.

I am learning to live differently; I am aware we are fostering the era of privacy, which for me translates into "hug yourself until all is well" among other things.

But today, I ask to be excused by all you well put together, happy, stable human beings; let me speak to that one person. Yeah, the other weak person, who just like me, has failed to carry the load elegantly making no sound and with all appearance of not being put together. That one person.

The last few days have been great my Father, God, has been amazing; answering prayers I did not know I even had lurking somewhere within me. I just started at what I will dare to call a "dream job" I get to work with lots of brilliant, interesting people, learn lots of new things, even travel at times! I tell myself that I should be happy and I am, but... 

I found myself lonely in a way I have never been before. Looking out the window at a new city, a lovely city, with lovely people and I was sad. The sadness that acknowledges points of happiness, that acknowledges beauty and yet keeps seeking. The loneliness for a companion. That kind. The one YOU would never admit, so I will admit for you... 

I wanted somebody to explore with, yeah, I have friends, but you catch my drift; there is only so much friends can do. I wanted more. You watch all those happy couples and begin to wish... (Ok, right now, I am listening to a teaching on being a happy single person, by Dr. Myles Munroe, so I am not wallowing... I do want out) You watch people hold hands, share a secret laugh with their phones, make a whispered phone call... I may not necessarily do all those things... but the spirit with which it is done. That I want. 

I have been silent, listening to happy tales of loved ones and being happy for the speaker and with all I am I am happy for the speaker. But... One part of me is seeped in wanting and wishing...
Ok, now that I have confessed...

Way forward? I prefer to, like most people in my society, remain in a stable emotional state; no extremes. Especially of the pain variety.
I am listening to sermons, giving myself pep-talks, trusting I will catch up with truths that I know and find my now elusive happy single state.
AND in the spirit of confession; I cry during sad movies, when I read sad novels AND when I watch japanese anime. I am out of my emotional closet. SUE ME.  

Breathe... One day at a time.

Picture by By Ben Casnocha

Petrified

Have you ever:

Got what you thought you wanted…

Found you are terrified of it?

Well, I have.

Be it a new friend, lots of money, that dude I thought would complete me, that perfect job…

I get literally, petrified with the fear that;

I just might mess it up. In fact, I am sure I will mess it up.

As I stand still I recall my past responses;

Denial: no, I do not want it. It is ok, in fact, I never wanted it.

Doubt: is this what I really wanted, maybe I just worked myself into lather over nothing.

Unworthy: me? No, they would never have me. Why me?

Disbelief: this is too good to be true.

Let’s back out of this now!

As I go along with life and I have encountered things I clearly do not deserve like salvation and grace…

Well, these other things seem trivial in comparison. If I managed to qualify (through my extreme inability to qualify) for a life in salvation, well then I guess I have a pass to every single thing I thought I did not deserve.

I walk with assurance that my Father, God has got me and He will fix it if I mess it up…

Now I run forward to those things I once held back from:

He qualifies me.

He is my advocate.

He makes me worthy.

He is the lifter of my head.

 

Image from:  www.markramseymedia.com

Seeking Approval

I have a lot to say, but then I wonder if some of it will not prove offensive. So, let me try to sculpture it in a way that you understand, that may or may not offend you.

I am tired of tiptoeing; you know, making certain that I do not offend and yet I do. My desire for approval reaches far back into my past and stretches painfully in my present. I want to be acceptable in your eyes, but see, I have failed. In fact, I fall flat on my face at your feet, sprawled gracelessly, seeking your approval.

You have heard of writer’s block, haven’t you? Well, for those who have not, it is basically a time when I have a lot to say and I am either too lazy or too chicken to say it. Other people say that they simply have nothing to say, but that is their opinion. I find that I usually have something to say, the question is if I actually want to say it.

Have you ever had a conversation where your opinion, albeit sought, is not necessarily wanted? No? Well, blessed are you among all people, for you have dodged a bullet. I have friends, who declare they totally find me amazing… until I speak. 

The question is: is it the idea of me that you find attractive, for it is certainly not myself. Yes, I am venting, in fact I have to if you expect to read any more truths, else you will simply find flowery poetry that has nothing whatsoever to do with my actual opinion.

We are all different. A statement, which, although it is true, has been used to brow beat and punish those whose difference does not meet your approval. I find this most common with those who claim to be liberal, but that is a story for another day. This rave is about approval.

It is nice to have pretty manners, to be socially acceptable. I have been told that is the way of life and until this desire snuck into my relationship with God, I thought nothing of it. For me to walk in duplicity before my father who sees me for who I really am is sad indeed. 

Do not misconstrue this: I am unhappy with people who expect me to fit their criteria while lying to my face that they totally adore me, but when this two faced lie reaches its weak hand into the most important relationship in my life…

I have been studying the book of 1 John and the insight I have got on who I am, and what I have been given because of love strips me of any hope I had to impress God. I simply cannot manage it, and you know what, He does not require it of me. For “…while we were yet sinners he loved us…” as I meditated on this I realized that I am blessed whether I am at my best or not. 

Again, do not misunderstand, by the nature of my relationship with my Father, He requires a complete transformation, but that is a transformation of my mind. And when your thinking changes, your life changes with it. I am called to excellence and my journey is leading me there. Not to duplicity. Never there.

This intimacy calls for an honesty that society says we should not have… I choose to speak freely before my king, for He is merciful, and sees my heart.

The Tale Of A Former Sluggard

I had forgotten a few things; I had forgotten how to play, how to laugh simply because I can. I had forgotten.  I have been living in some kind of in-between universe, where I am waiting for life to happen to me, somebody to make a decision for me. 

It is easy to look at, point at, bleed for, somebody else when your own life is in a mess; I call those ostrich moments. I have had a couple of those lately, in fact for most of my life; blamed failure on pressure from those around me (believe me, it is a valid reason, pressure does have the ability to suck you dry), in that way, each time I felt even a little pressured, I gave up without a fight. It is a bit like giving up on a race simply because you have seen somebody run past you…

Anyway, most of you are not like me; no, you have always been hard workers; so let me share from my own experience. Perhaps you will understand where I am.

God is good. Always. That said I am still understanding some of these truths, how I come into the bigger picture, how I fit in. I think one of my biggest questions is why I was born into such a competitive era; I could work with a simple arranged marriage, an existence of farming my man’s lands, or better yet, being a kept woman. 

He must have known I would totally love the technology and the clothes and the quirky people around me. Anyway, back to the story of my laziness; I would much rather have things happen to me, sit on the throne of the complainer and simply appreciate life. 

Something my friend Mire keeps saying “He is committed to our development”, so when I started on the path of salvation, I gave up the role of a sluggard. The more I learned of Him, of life with Him, the harder I worked. The more I desired to work for Him, the greater the need to get up and get moving.

Contradictory scripture for you “Come unto me all ye who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn of me, for I am meek and lowly in heart; and you shall find rest unto your souls” (Matthew 11:28-29)

Now, I wanted the rest, none of this yoke carrying, none of this hard labor. Only the rest. But see, I wanted the healing, deliverance, and success that came with the Salvation package. Then there I am being told I have to prove myself a good work man, and I have to walk around donning armor…

Geez, there goes my rest. When I was a child, I spoke as a child, I understood as a child, but now that I am a MAN, I have to put away childish things… Which pretty much means decisions, hard work, and responsibility; BUT also the freedom and multiplication of my domain, reaching the people that my heart so desires to bless.

I have been thinking the past few weeks, (and I would like to thank you for being part of this journey), oh yes, I have been thinking and I think creation has held its breathe long enough.

It is time for me to be revealed, to be unleashed upon the world. See, there are some things we will get to talk about, things whose existence in your life you would much rather deny. Of course you are happy; you are your very own higher power… This weakling will be sharing with you, oh mighty one, her journey with the Creator God, aka I AM.

My Source

For a while, I have striven for perfection, in every way. But it is one tiresome journey, one filled with so much failure, filled with so much longing for something just out of my reach…

I am exhausted. The thought that this is all there is to life… is it? That all I have to do is find the perfect job, perfect bank account, perfect man, perfect home, perfect family, perfect life… Through it all I am filled with this fear; what if it is not enough?

What if I get all this and I am still unfulfilled? The fear that He will become my sole source, sole provider, that I will not be able to contribute…

I am the vine, you are the branches (John 15:5) interestingly I seem to forget this all the time. I want to be independent: that means I want to work so hard that God is a provider only through my bank account, only through my toil. I want to earn His salvation, even after He has given it as a free gift. Strange how the strongest people lay their hearts, with no embarrassment, before the Father and I, decidedly much weaker, walk around strutting, showing off my puny muscles.

Ok, my thoughts are wandering around…

But if I can lay it out clearly: Scope of my Universe

I want to be all sufficient

I want to be Superman

No, greater than Superman

I do not need you

Or You

I scream, shaking my fist at God

Shrugging my friends’ hands off my shoulder

I want to do it myself

I do not want to owe anybody a thing

No, let us not ask for help

We will look weak

When you are weak

And let people see it

They will take advantage

They will hurt you…

So, NO! I will take care of it myself.

For as long as I have remained

The center of my own universe

I have remained desperately lonely

Not because my friends do not love me

No, because I do not allow them to love me

I do not allow God to love me.

As I sit here and think of God, my Father, trying to help me; I put before Him this fear.

The fear that He will see my weakness and trample on my heart… He is better than that. Bigger than that… I surrender.

No, I do not say I give up; I could probably summon up the energy to fight on, to fix, to amass wealth, to be a roaring success… But I bow my head before my Source, knowing that in Him, I will thrive, in and out of season. Letting God, my Father, love me.

“The way in which God heals our wounds, is a deeply personal process” John Eldredge