In Wonder of Your Gift: Life.

A friend insisted that I have a gift and I should share it with those around me.
I secretly did not believe him.
At the time, I thought it was me I would share, and in a sense, it is myself that I share; but he meant much more. I was certain I had nothing to share, after all, it is just plain me...

The beauty and wonder of creation. Experience it. Enjoy it.

Last night  I was overwhelmed with the wonderful gift that life (and its experiences) is:
I had just attended a concert by Sauti Ya Africa, a group of very talented musicians, one of them my voice teacher, and I was feeling blessed.

Living life would be just that;
1. If it were not for the ability to taste our food.
2. If not for the ability to recognise beauty.
3. If not for the ability to feel (love, sadness and the tiny feelings in-between).
4. If not for the newness that comes with every new person.
5. If babies were not so perfect and amazing to look at.
6. If there were no color...
7. Worse still, if there were no music, dance...

It would all fall flat, but I guess we would never realise that. We would not know any different.

As we drove away with a beloved friend, and I watched the play of evening lights on the passing scenary, my heart swelled with gratitude.
How he loves us; to give us the gift of life and love and work and people...

What a great opportunity to experience wonder upon wonder...
I have been taking it for granted, taking it all as normal. But it is not.

I know what I have to do with this gift; I will share with you my wonder, my excitement for being alive.
I will share my lessons; the good and the not so easy...
Come lets us take a trip through this gift.
The gift of life.

Walk through the door. Explore.

Photo Credit: Anand Krishnaswamy

Show me how to love;

Show me how to love;

I haven’t been making many friends recently; I seem to have a tendency of bringing up things people would much rather hide, ignore…

Act like nothing happened.

The first time that happened, I was 18 and I felt the leading to speak about abstinence, waiting for a spouse and a relationship sanctioned before God… I got a thundering silence.

I got the feeling that all my words were being cut out of my audience’s minds; clearly I was not saying cool stuff.

In a society where sex is considered sin, until you find the “one” in which case we can ignore all the sin and proceed with the happy event, in or out of marriage.

As I decided to cut my talk short that afternoon; I consulted with God and pleaded with Him not to give me any more impressions to speak on unsavory topics…

Until recently.

I have been learning about immediate obedience and listening for the Spirit’s leading in my life… As promised, if you are listening, you WILL hear…. And I heard.

Heard Him asking me to speak on another unsavory topic; I thought we had understood each other the first time round… clearly not.

This time I had to talk about truthful relationships, intimate relationships; beyond lying to each other, hiding our true feeling behind smiles and sermons.

We have had a season where we are being taught about “doing life together” and you know what, the prospect of pretending for the duration of that life was simply beyond consideration.

To watch people lie to each other “in love” and to be asked to contribute to this farce… 

I have made no friends.

I refuse to countenance duplicity; relationships which are so superficial they have no roots to them. We only choose to go as deep as we are comfortable. An imitation, a resemblance of Christ-like love without the sacrifice… Anything outside this, no, let us walk away. Let us not deal. Lest we actually have to communicate for once in this game we have made of life.

My mind screamed vanity! VANITY!!

I want to make friends, so if I blend in, act like I am not bothered, perhaps this need for truth, this desire to deal and make whole… Perhaps it would let me alone. It did not.

Here I am once again, not making any friends; because I simply cannot, will not, conform to these standards…

There must be more than this.

My Father calls me to intimacy; where I will speak my heart and mind to Him, where He protects my feelings and sees me. All of me.

He calls us to the same intimacy with each other…

When God called Adam, “Adam, where are you?” and Adam replies something like “…back here coz we realized we were naked…” that must be where walls were born.

Walls between man and God; Walls between man and man… It went beyond our nakedness to who we were; our spirits lost that intimate contact.

We are called back to that intimate contact, that fellowship that goes beyond politically correct niceties. Ever wondered why we are asked over and over to love one another? To extend God’s love to each other?

I will let you think on that; think on the kind of love he calls you to with himself and then let me know how he calls you to love those you are “doing life” with.

I may not have received this revelation in full… but you and I both know duplicity is not our portion. We are called to greater; in every single way.

Let me say what doing life together means to my simple mind, which is the mind of Christ, might I add…

To love/do life together means;

•    To care enough to stay, even when you do not have all the answers.
•    To seek to understand what lies behind those walls.
•    To seek to protect, with the same vigilance, that which the other protects behind those walls.
•    To uproot those things that would choke life out of the one you love, even when they may not thank you for it.
•    To hope all things
•    To believe all things

Do not get me wrong; I do not say you condone sin where it is, neither am I saying you beat the one you love with rebuke at every opportunity.

No, love is gracious.

To be gracious is not so much about the tone of voice, but in the intention, the choice of timing, audience, and phrasing…

To love is to protect that which your beloved treasures.

It is to cover a multitude of sin; that means not broadcasting one another’s weaknesses in the name of testimony or prayer requests. It means that even if it would be the perfect analogy for a much needed sermon, you seek permission and if it is denied, you protect that privacy.

It means to close ranks about your beloved and protect them from condemnation, even your own. Especially your own.

There must be more than this… It is called love.

Discovering The Heart Of Worship

So, I have not said anything useful lately; I like how people react to raw emotion. The slight wince and the hunted look that appears in their eyes, as if they are looking for a way out of the conversation.

 That said, I do not want to have another awkward conversation with this page, just a conversation.

I have been learning: learning about worship.
I step out of the house on many days, look up at the sky, take in the position of the clouds in the sky, stars (if any), the shade of blue, allow myself to be calmed by the beauty... Then I say," Thank you Father, it is beautiful." I then turn round and walk back into the house.

I love creation and everything that testifies of God's artistry; the crunch of leaves underfoot, the ray of light filtering through dew covered leaves.

"God is a Spirit: and they that worship him must worship him in spirit and in truth." John 4:24

A daunting scripture especially when you are convinced you are unworthy and will somehow never measure up... 

I have been learning; learning about worship, about believing that I am doing something right. For as long as I focus on Him and not on my possible shortcomings, I am ok. 

Do not get me wrong, I am not interpreting this scripture, rather, I am talking about worship. I am talking about finding beauty in creation, sharing good food with good company, listening to the gurgle of a baby's laughter or a spring... 

Beholding these things and acknowledging the creator.

Realising that every moment is an opportunity to worship. 

As long as you look up from your place of despair, look away from the scorching heat, look away and gaze upon creation that was put there for your enjoyment...

Ever wonder why a bubbling brook soothes your soul in a special way, how a happy child draws a like response from those around it...?

My revelation may not be perfect or complete... but if it draws me closer to my footstool at the Father's feet... I have found where I belong.

Photo by Sally Brown

Seeking Approval

I have a lot to say, but then I wonder if some of it will not prove offensive. So, let me try to sculpture it in a way that you understand, that may or may not offend you.

I am tired of tiptoeing; you know, making certain that I do not offend and yet I do. My desire for approval reaches far back into my past and stretches painfully in my present. I want to be acceptable in your eyes, but see, I have failed. In fact, I fall flat on my face at your feet, sprawled gracelessly, seeking your approval.

You have heard of writer’s block, haven’t you? Well, for those who have not, it is basically a time when I have a lot to say and I am either too lazy or too chicken to say it. Other people say that they simply have nothing to say, but that is their opinion. I find that I usually have something to say, the question is if I actually want to say it.

Have you ever had a conversation where your opinion, albeit sought, is not necessarily wanted? No? Well, blessed are you among all people, for you have dodged a bullet. I have friends, who declare they totally find me amazing… until I speak. 

The question is: is it the idea of me that you find attractive, for it is certainly not myself. Yes, I am venting, in fact I have to if you expect to read any more truths, else you will simply find flowery poetry that has nothing whatsoever to do with my actual opinion.

We are all different. A statement, which, although it is true, has been used to brow beat and punish those whose difference does not meet your approval. I find this most common with those who claim to be liberal, but that is a story for another day. This rave is about approval.

It is nice to have pretty manners, to be socially acceptable. I have been told that is the way of life and until this desire snuck into my relationship with God, I thought nothing of it. For me to walk in duplicity before my father who sees me for who I really am is sad indeed. 

Do not misconstrue this: I am unhappy with people who expect me to fit their criteria while lying to my face that they totally adore me, but when this two faced lie reaches its weak hand into the most important relationship in my life…

I have been studying the book of 1 John and the insight I have got on who I am, and what I have been given because of love strips me of any hope I had to impress God. I simply cannot manage it, and you know what, He does not require it of me. For “…while we were yet sinners he loved us…” as I meditated on this I realized that I am blessed whether I am at my best or not. 

Again, do not misunderstand, by the nature of my relationship with my Father, He requires a complete transformation, but that is a transformation of my mind. And when your thinking changes, your life changes with it. I am called to excellence and my journey is leading me there. Not to duplicity. Never there.

This intimacy calls for an honesty that society says we should not have… I choose to speak freely before my king, for He is merciful, and sees my heart.