Seeking Approval

I have a lot to say, but then I wonder if some of it will not prove offensive. So, let me try to sculpture it in a way that you understand, that may or may not offend you.

I am tired of tiptoeing; you know, making certain that I do not offend and yet I do. My desire for approval reaches far back into my past and stretches painfully in my present. I want to be acceptable in your eyes, but see, I have failed. In fact, I fall flat on my face at your feet, sprawled gracelessly, seeking your approval.

You have heard of writer’s block, haven’t you? Well, for those who have not, it is basically a time when I have a lot to say and I am either too lazy or too chicken to say it. Other people say that they simply have nothing to say, but that is their opinion. I find that I usually have something to say, the question is if I actually want to say it.

Have you ever had a conversation where your opinion, albeit sought, is not necessarily wanted? No? Well, blessed are you among all people, for you have dodged a bullet. I have friends, who declare they totally find me amazing… until I speak. 

The question is: is it the idea of me that you find attractive, for it is certainly not myself. Yes, I am venting, in fact I have to if you expect to read any more truths, else you will simply find flowery poetry that has nothing whatsoever to do with my actual opinion.

We are all different. A statement, which, although it is true, has been used to brow beat and punish those whose difference does not meet your approval. I find this most common with those who claim to be liberal, but that is a story for another day. This rave is about approval.

It is nice to have pretty manners, to be socially acceptable. I have been told that is the way of life and until this desire snuck into my relationship with God, I thought nothing of it. For me to walk in duplicity before my father who sees me for who I really am is sad indeed. 

Do not misconstrue this: I am unhappy with people who expect me to fit their criteria while lying to my face that they totally adore me, but when this two faced lie reaches its weak hand into the most important relationship in my life…

I have been studying the book of 1 John and the insight I have got on who I am, and what I have been given because of love strips me of any hope I had to impress God. I simply cannot manage it, and you know what, He does not require it of me. For “…while we were yet sinners he loved us…” as I meditated on this I realized that I am blessed whether I am at my best or not. 

Again, do not misunderstand, by the nature of my relationship with my Father, He requires a complete transformation, but that is a transformation of my mind. And when your thinking changes, your life changes with it. I am called to excellence and my journey is leading me there. Not to duplicity. Never there.

This intimacy calls for an honesty that society says we should not have… I choose to speak freely before my king, for He is merciful, and sees my heart.