Perfected: For His Glory.

I have been learning about graciousness; let me first google the definition.

So, this is what I found:

Gracious- adjective.
1. courteous, kind, pleasant.
2. (in christian belief) showing divine grace
Synonyms: merciful, compassionate, kind

 What I am learning incorporates showing divine grace and mercy, compassion and kindness, the very nature of God.

I will never leave you, nor forsake you.

I once wrote about how human nature is selfish, yes, even those really nice people you know. We think about self, what another will do for you, what you can get out of a relationship, how it will make you feel when you do something nice for someone...

And being declared "not nice", "mean" firmly placed me in the opposite corner; I was sure there was no good in me. A lie from the pits of hell.
For a while I would do things in the background; make sure a birthday party happens without a hitch, give time, money, encouragement, all the things considered to be "good". BUT still I was not good.

Where am I going with this?
I started relating with God in this same defeated way; of course He knows I am messed up. It is my fault; even the things I had no control over became my fault. You cannot blame people or circumstances, you decide... and similar thoughts echoed in my mind. And I believed them all.

I remember not talking to God if I really wanted something, because of my past, I was sure there was something wrong with wanting things. It is always better to be indifferent, then you will not get hurt if it doesn't work out.

He kept asking me; "Is that what you really think of me?" and after a while of silence, I admitted that, "Yes God, I am afraid you are teaching me a lesson for something I did" and "I probably resent you, because you could have stopped me or simply told me what it was you wanted changed..."

His responses were always unexpected, "Beloved, I find pleasure in you", "I find no blemish", "I rejoice over you" and each time I would respond with an ill-humored, "why". I would be met with silence.

This silence was not because He did not know what to say; He was saying that He saw me, even better than I saw myself and what He saw was beautiful. I could not understand it.

How do you understand unconditional love when your own love is filled with conditions, strings, "if-statements" and deadlines?

While we were yet sinners, He loved us.

I am loved because I am loved; totally has nothing to do with me and yet has everything to do with me. He chose to love me. He is not blind. He sees me and He loves me.

THEN He started asking me to treat those around me in the same way and I was like; "NO WAY! Have you seen those people???"

Clearly this shows you the state of my heart.

I am learning to treat with grace, those around me. To believe all things, hope all things, rejoice over them... nothing to do with them, everything to do with them.

You know how you make someone mad and apologise and expect them to forget all about it, not treat you any different? Yes?
That is exactly how you should treat them when they wrong you.

This is what I am learning. Of course it cuts across a number of things and as I meditate on it, I find even more applications of this lesson.

I tried, in my own strength, to be a good person yet all the while He was working to perfect me. For His Glory.

Photo Credits: string by Gnu2000 (flickr), Hands by Anand Krshnaswamy

Out of my closet.

I haven't written in a while... why? well because I was hurting. Hurting in a way that many know, but choose never to speak of... See, we, or at least I, come from a tradition of maintained calmness. You remain in one state: happy. If ever you find yourself out of it, fix yourself and then get back to the happy crowd.

So I have learned to conform, lest I am accused of being overly sensitive, guilty of the sin of being emotional... I lie, through my teeth. Of course I am ok, of course all is well. Of course!
SO I have seasons of silence; where you will not catch any glimpse of me, lest the state of my heart and mind offend you. Lest I offend you.

I am learning to live differently; I am aware we are fostering the era of privacy, which for me translates into "hug yourself until all is well" among other things.

But today, I ask to be excused by all you well put together, happy, stable human beings; let me speak to that one person. Yeah, the other weak person, who just like me, has failed to carry the load elegantly making no sound and with all appearance of not being put together. That one person.

The last few days have been great my Father, God, has been amazing; answering prayers I did not know I even had lurking somewhere within me. I just started at what I will dare to call a "dream job" I get to work with lots of brilliant, interesting people, learn lots of new things, even travel at times! I tell myself that I should be happy and I am, but... 

I found myself lonely in a way I have never been before. Looking out the window at a new city, a lovely city, with lovely people and I was sad. The sadness that acknowledges points of happiness, that acknowledges beauty and yet keeps seeking. The loneliness for a companion. That kind. The one YOU would never admit, so I will admit for you... 

I wanted somebody to explore with, yeah, I have friends, but you catch my drift; there is only so much friends can do. I wanted more. You watch all those happy couples and begin to wish... (Ok, right now, I am listening to a teaching on being a happy single person, by Dr. Myles Munroe, so I am not wallowing... I do want out) You watch people hold hands, share a secret laugh with their phones, make a whispered phone call... I may not necessarily do all those things... but the spirit with which it is done. That I want. 

I have been silent, listening to happy tales of loved ones and being happy for the speaker and with all I am I am happy for the speaker. But... One part of me is seeped in wanting and wishing...
Ok, now that I have confessed...

Way forward? I prefer to, like most people in my society, remain in a stable emotional state; no extremes. Especially of the pain variety.
I am listening to sermons, giving myself pep-talks, trusting I will catch up with truths that I know and find my now elusive happy single state.
AND in the spirit of confession; I cry during sad movies, when I read sad novels AND when I watch japanese anime. I am out of my emotional closet. SUE ME.  

Breathe... One day at a time.

Picture by By Ben Casnocha

Depressed...Almost, not quite.

I thought this was the end of the road for me.
I stared at the the door that would lead me to the bleakness
The bleakness in my heart...
Well...
I have been sad, felt myself sinking
Felt justified, no obliged to sink
Sink, berate, huddle in a small corner...
"Yeah, here I go again,
Messing up a perfectly good thing
Mbu, I have feelings.
Mscwh, feelings my big toe!
Naye, they were there...
Are there..."
I am sick and tired
Of being sick and tired...
So how do I get out of here?There has no temptation taken you, but such as is common to man... 1 Corinthians 10:13
...whatsoever things are true, pure, honest... Philippians 4:8
 Dragging my mind along...
...kicking and screaming
I have found myself new thoughts.
I have to...
Lest I sink...
Continue to sink, berate, huddle...
I choose life...
Every single time i will choose life
MY ABUNDANT LIFE.

...but they that wait upon the Lord... Isaiah 40:27-31