Who Am I? (Be yourself)

I have been afraid of writing, because I was feared it would be a lie... that I would not speak my heart. But I am learning to trust myself. Trust my heart.

So this is what I came up with...

I am perfect:

Growing up where I did, was growing up with expectations; I have a very supportive family, I cannot complain.

But growing up with all their expectations was hard. Almost each one had a vision for my life, for one, that I will always be at the top in my school, even appear in the national papers for my genius, For another, that I will excel at maths and simply ace every exam and for another that I would receive salvation and be a good kid and for my parents, work hard and have a better life...

All these visions have shaped me into who I am; a human being obsessed with perfection, unrelenting in my criticism of self, a child of God, utterly terrified of disappointing him and barely able to hear his voice amidst all the worry. 

This instance of me, this one version, is the right version... image from forbes.com

I am the likeness of God:

It is laughable how the Word of God describes me at every turn; as one who sees who I am, and forgets my very likeness... 

James 1:23-24 says "For if any be a hearer of the word and not a doer, he is like a man beholding his natural face in a glass: For he beholdeth himself and goeth his way and straightway forgetteth what manner of man he was."

For years as a child, I did not look at myself in mirrors; I was convinced I was the fattest, strangest creature alive and it creeped into my adulthood and almost every area of my life.

Somebody else was always better; If I met a guy and he said he liked me, an image of all my lovely, girly girl-friends would come to mind. (I have always been more of a tom-boy, mainly because I hated the girly clothes and shoes... how do I explain that they were plain hideous?) 

I would go on to tell this boy/man about every sweet girly friend in my life, because I had heard all these things about how girls were meant to behave and dress and I was none of that...

I am worthy...

I had stopped writing; maybe what I felt was overwhelming. Or maybe I was afraid.

I missed my writing, I missed my constant companion. I missed my daily pouring out of my heart on paper as my Lord read it... Like the clouds in a drought, I withheld my refreshing goodness. I knew what to say and would not say it. I was not talking to God. 

I had failed.

I was broken and it was my fault. I had no idea how to fix me... I was no longer worthy, my words could no longer be used to bless... I was unworthy.

I am Edith, the son of God.

Until Monday, 10th November 2013, this week... I thought and believed all these things about myself...

I was imperfect, not beautiful or worthy of anyone's notice...

On Monday, my Father rebuked me; he shined a light on all my wrong thoughts and asked me to believe His word. Regardless of my failures, both present and past. He asked me to walk in obedience with Him. Allow healing to surround and comfort my waste-places.

Isaiah 51:3 says "For the Lord shall comfort Zion: he will comfort all her waste places; and he will make her wilderness like Eden and her desert like the garden of the Lord; joy and gladness shall be found therein, thanksgiving and the voice of melody."

He stopped me, rebuked me, because my words and thoughts were destroying His Beloved, myself.

Hebrews 12:5-11 mentions how I am his son, how he chastens/rebukes so that I may have life...

that I may yield the peaceable fruit of righteousness and be a partaker of his holiness...

Who am I? 

I am who he says I am and right now, that calls for me to shut out all voices except His. Trust that He will give me an identity, remind me of who I am; who He meant me to be.

Jeremiah 29:11-13 says "For I know the thoughts I think towards you, saith the Lord, thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you and expected end. Then shall ye call upon me and ye shall go and pray to me and I will hearken unto you. And ye shall seek me and find me, when you seek me with all your heart."

I am learning that I am perfect, that I am worthy, regardless of my performance. This instance of me, this one version, is the right version.

I am learning that what my Father says is who I am, whether I see it in the natural or not...

I am confident that He who has begun this good work in me, will be faithful to accomplish it...