My Source

For a while, I have striven for perfection, in every way. But it is one tiresome journey, one filled with so much failure, filled with so much longing for something just out of my reach…

I am exhausted. The thought that this is all there is to life… is it? That all I have to do is find the perfect job, perfect bank account, perfect man, perfect home, perfect family, perfect life… Through it all I am filled with this fear; what if it is not enough?

What if I get all this and I am still unfulfilled? The fear that He will become my sole source, sole provider, that I will not be able to contribute…

I am the vine, you are the branches (John 15:5) interestingly I seem to forget this all the time. I want to be independent: that means I want to work so hard that God is a provider only through my bank account, only through my toil. I want to earn His salvation, even after He has given it as a free gift. Strange how the strongest people lay their hearts, with no embarrassment, before the Father and I, decidedly much weaker, walk around strutting, showing off my puny muscles.

Ok, my thoughts are wandering around…

But if I can lay it out clearly: Scope of my Universe

I want to be all sufficient

I want to be Superman

No, greater than Superman

I do not need you

Or You

I scream, shaking my fist at God

Shrugging my friends’ hands off my shoulder

I want to do it myself

I do not want to owe anybody a thing

No, let us not ask for help

We will look weak

When you are weak

And let people see it

They will take advantage

They will hurt you…

So, NO! I will take care of it myself.

For as long as I have remained

The center of my own universe

I have remained desperately lonely

Not because my friends do not love me

No, because I do not allow them to love me

I do not allow God to love me.

As I sit here and think of God, my Father, trying to help me; I put before Him this fear.

The fear that He will see my weakness and trample on my heart… He is better than that. Bigger than that… I surrender.

No, I do not say I give up; I could probably summon up the energy to fight on, to fix, to amass wealth, to be a roaring success… But I bow my head before my Source, knowing that in Him, I will thrive, in and out of season. Letting God, my Father, love me.

“The way in which God heals our wounds, is a deeply personal process” John Eldredge