Journey of Trust

There are things we really want and we pray to Father, telling Him just how much we want them. In my case, I go before Him with the fear that I do not deserve what I am asking for, or that He will say no. I fear the latter more, maybe because I have already come to terms with my un-deservingness.

So here I am, wide awake, listening to some Josh Groban and dragging my thoughts on a faith journey. The Word says perfect love casts out all fear (1 John4:18). What this is telling me right now is simple, that I should not be afraid, because of Love within me.

Why is it that each time something important comes up in my life, I doubt my Father’s ability to take care of me? When I was 12 I had exactly the same fear as when I was 15 praying for my mother to live. And when she died, I was sure the fault lay somewhere with me. Then when I was 16, hoping to be accepted back in my High school for my A’ levels I had the same fear. I think this time the weeping was even more magnified; for I had prayed, asking for something that was important to me, and received what I interpreted as a negative answer with my mother’s death, surely this was less important and would receive a similar answer.

Fear had been sown in my heart. I doubted my heavenly father’s heart towards me; surely I would not get what I really wanted. And that time I did, I was still in His grace. Then came university entry and once again I was gripped with the fear that my requests would somehow not meet father’s approval… Fear was still resident in my heart…

Since then I have been attracted to a number of young men and not a one of them was mine… Fear was still resident in my heart. 

Right now, as I again ask for something I really want I am back at this place and once again I am faced with the question: Do you believe my heart towards you, my beloved?

See, most people would share this as a testimony of how good God has been, possibly after they have received the good man, the good job, the promotion, or whatever it is they are asking for… This for me is more than that.

This is me saying it is not easy to trust and this is me saying I choose to trust. I am trusting that Father’s plan for my life is good, to give me a hope and a future, to prosper me, a plan to place me according to my purpose (Jeremiah 29:11).

This is me telling my soul to rest in Him. And this is me asking you to take this journey with me and do the same.