Let me share a bit of my story: I have had a pretty rough life,
you know fighting with siblings for food, shoes, beddings, clothing… Yeah, life
has been hard. I have had to claw my way to the top. If you want an
interpretation for this, read “Life with a sister” if that book does not exist,
I will write it!
Now, as I was saying, I clawed my way through it all. Even
when I went to school; it was a dog eat dog world (not sure that fits there,
but I mean, those kids ate my lunch!) I had to learn to defend myself. Or to be
precise to hide myself, better still be invisible. And that was before the fight for perfect
grades came along…
Through the years I have come to learn that there is no excuse
for failure, not even a terminal illness, as is evidenced by the countless
testimonies of people who topped the country from hospital beds. Somehow, I knew
I was expected to beat the odds. No cutting slack for this mortal.
So, there is no excuse for failure and you also know that
for all good behavior, for good grades, for any win, you are granted the right
to approach your provider and make your requests known…only if all is in order.
And make sure you made your bed, did the dishes and fed the cat-dog.
Where am I going with this? The grace walk asks me to
divorce myself form this nature, in fact it invites me to come as I am. How preposterous!
Dear God, let me explain how the world works. You do not give a great number of
gifts to a leprous unclean unreliable failure without any guarantees of change
or of perfection, save for the effects of Your eternal company. ARE WE
TOGETHER?!
Now that we have that out of the way, let me continue. I
joined this grace shebang early in life, with just a few misdemeanors to my
name, which I immediately set about fixing. And since then, the trend was set;
we all know you do not ask for anything, especially if you do not deserve it.
AND people only give you gifts only when they expect something in return… But
then again, it is only I who has such a jaundiced view of the world. People
give out of love in your world, lucky bugger!
So, here I sit reading this bible which constantly invites
me to ask God for things. Yeah, sure, I am getting round to that part. But
first will you show me what you do not like about me? See, I still recall the
last BIG gift you handed me, and I still do not think I have paid my dues…
I have been transformed by the dragging of my mind (kicking
and screaming) to the understanding of the statutes of the Lord God. I am
looking in the mirror and being transformed… you said that is what you wanted
of me, right?
I have set about the work of making myself worthy of this
grace and favor and yet each time I approach Your throne, I am tongue tied, for
once again, I am reminded of my shortcomings.
Yes, I am beholden, indebted.
To the one who owns the universe
The one who created me
With specific purpose
A purpose I have sought
And seem to have miserably missed
Or messed up
I am beholden to a being so big
The earth is his footstool
I despair
Like a slave trying to pay off
A miserly, niggardly master
Who has counted my dues down to the last penny
With what eyes I view my Beloved
My generous Master
Who has chosen to walk into my warped life
Offer His own life as payment for my dues
And when He seems to turn His back
Here I am trying to pay Him back…
As if I could ever match His worth…
I thought this the best way to express where I am right now.
In that place where you are asking Him what you can give Him in payment for
what you stand at His feet requesting of Him.
I am used to paying my dues, what happens when my giver
expects nothing in return? Not perfection, not my complete transformation…simply
my trust.
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