I KNOW whom I have believed!

He says I am Forgiven:
Last night I sinned, against you and my body
I have since scrubbed away at my sinful flesh
Yes, you have forgiven me,
Yes, you have made me pure
…but did you see what I did?

He says I am Righteous:
I sneak along, hugging the walls
Burdened by my sin
Head hung low
Spend nights Weeping, Begging
Hoping… to be made worthy

He says I am the Apple of His Eye:
Yet I draw close in fear;
Of the sin I surely forgot to repent of
Of the grime I surely forgot to scrub away
Of the words that may just not be holy enough
Of someone more worthy…
Needing the audience space I am taking up

He says I am heir and son:
And yet with the homeless skeptic I choose to dwell
To feed on scraps that fall off my own Father’s table
I call upon the universe to beseech my Father
To beg my Father on my behalf…
For my own inheritance

He says I was healed:
Gave me a clean bill of health, he did
But every time I sneeze,
Surely, I have caught something fatal
Surely, I need to see the doctor
Regularly, I visit this doctor
Hoping the check-up gives good news
But secretly suspecting that chest pain to be fatal…

I say I am who He says I am;
Forgiven and Righteous
The Apple of his Eye
His heir, His son…
So, with head held high,
I will enter his courts with praise
With thanksgiving receive my inheritance
With utter conviction walk away
From the pool where we used to scrub at our sin
I am worthy;
Of my Father’s table.

For this reason I also suffer these things; nevertheless I am not ashamed, for I know whom I have believed and am persuaded that He is able to keep what I have committed to Him until that Day… 2Timothy 1:12

Let us therefore come boldly unto the throne of grace...Hebrews 4:16

Freewill

Life would be easier, right?
If we had a structure
A predefined set of rules for us to follow
A dictation which we could brainlessly follow to the letter
A master who saw our lives from the beginning to the end
Simply set us on the right path
Made sure we stuck to it…
And you know what?
We wouldn’t be any wiser for it.

Each time I find my foot conveniently parked in my mouth
Or find myself entangled in the heartache of my own mistakes
“Why didn’t you warn me?”
Even better, “why didn’t you stop me?”
YOU KNEW!
I look accusingly at my master
Even as I kick back that niggling, irritating thought
The knowledge that;
I just had to have my way
Nobody could have stopped me.

And even as you enfold me right back into your loving arms
I ask myself;
“When will I learn to listen?”
“When will I learn to choose right?”
“When will I get the hang of this, of making the right choices?”
“When will I stop shooting myself in the foot?”
Even as I slump back
Defeated, beaten by my path of choice
Cursing my right to choose
“Who thought me worthy of freewill?”
I am sure; no convinced, I do not need it…

Until I met you; asked you to love me
And you said yes…
Is there anything more beautiful?
Than the look in your eyes as once more I mess up
And once more you choose to draw me close to you
Sometimes, with my head hung low, almost certain
No convinced, that we are done…

I look up and you have that look;
That look that says you know what I did
That look that says that you still think the world of me
That look that twists up my insides
The look of what freewill can do…

How will I know;
Where to go
What to say
What to choose…?

Even as I hold my head in my hands
Feeling the despair of my inevitable failure
Hanging over my head
I hear the strong and sure sound of your voice
Assuring me;
You will guide me
You will direct me
You will light my way…
Your laughing voice;
Reminding me, reminding me that…

… I have the mind of Christ. 1Corinthians 2:16

...and I will soar with You.

The Tale Of A Former Sluggard

I had forgotten a few things; I had forgotten how to play, how to laugh simply because I can. I had forgotten.  I have been living in some kind of in-between universe, where I am waiting for life to happen to me, somebody to make a decision for me. 

It is easy to look at, point at, bleed for, somebody else when your own life is in a mess; I call those ostrich moments. I have had a couple of those lately, in fact for most of my life; blamed failure on pressure from those around me (believe me, it is a valid reason, pressure does have the ability to suck you dry), in that way, each time I felt even a little pressured, I gave up without a fight. It is a bit like giving up on a race simply because you have seen somebody run past you…

Anyway, most of you are not like me; no, you have always been hard workers; so let me share from my own experience. Perhaps you will understand where I am.

God is good. Always. That said I am still understanding some of these truths, how I come into the bigger picture, how I fit in. I think one of my biggest questions is why I was born into such a competitive era; I could work with a simple arranged marriage, an existence of farming my man’s lands, or better yet, being a kept woman. 

He must have known I would totally love the technology and the clothes and the quirky people around me. Anyway, back to the story of my laziness; I would much rather have things happen to me, sit on the throne of the complainer and simply appreciate life. 

Something my friend Mire keeps saying “He is committed to our development”, so when I started on the path of salvation, I gave up the role of a sluggard. The more I learned of Him, of life with Him, the harder I worked. The more I desired to work for Him, the greater the need to get up and get moving.

Contradictory scripture for you “Come unto me all ye who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn of me, for I am meek and lowly in heart; and you shall find rest unto your souls” (Matthew 11:28-29)

Now, I wanted the rest, none of this yoke carrying, none of this hard labor. Only the rest. But see, I wanted the healing, deliverance, and success that came with the Salvation package. Then there I am being told I have to prove myself a good work man, and I have to walk around donning armor…

Geez, there goes my rest. When I was a child, I spoke as a child, I understood as a child, but now that I am a MAN, I have to put away childish things… Which pretty much means decisions, hard work, and responsibility; BUT also the freedom and multiplication of my domain, reaching the people that my heart so desires to bless.

I have been thinking the past few weeks, (and I would like to thank you for being part of this journey), oh yes, I have been thinking and I think creation has held its breathe long enough.

It is time for me to be revealed, to be unleashed upon the world. See, there are some things we will get to talk about, things whose existence in your life you would much rather deny. Of course you are happy; you are your very own higher power… This weakling will be sharing with you, oh mighty one, her journey with the Creator God, aka I AM.

My Source

For a while, I have striven for perfection, in every way. But it is one tiresome journey, one filled with so much failure, filled with so much longing for something just out of my reach…

I am exhausted. The thought that this is all there is to life… is it? That all I have to do is find the perfect job, perfect bank account, perfect man, perfect home, perfect family, perfect life… Through it all I am filled with this fear; what if it is not enough?

What if I get all this and I am still unfulfilled? The fear that He will become my sole source, sole provider, that I will not be able to contribute…

I am the vine, you are the branches (John 15:5) interestingly I seem to forget this all the time. I want to be independent: that means I want to work so hard that God is a provider only through my bank account, only through my toil. I want to earn His salvation, even after He has given it as a free gift. Strange how the strongest people lay their hearts, with no embarrassment, before the Father and I, decidedly much weaker, walk around strutting, showing off my puny muscles.

Ok, my thoughts are wandering around…

But if I can lay it out clearly: Scope of my Universe

I want to be all sufficient

I want to be Superman

No, greater than Superman

I do not need you

Or You

I scream, shaking my fist at God

Shrugging my friends’ hands off my shoulder

I want to do it myself

I do not want to owe anybody a thing

No, let us not ask for help

We will look weak

When you are weak

And let people see it

They will take advantage

They will hurt you…

So, NO! I will take care of it myself.

For as long as I have remained

The center of my own universe

I have remained desperately lonely

Not because my friends do not love me

No, because I do not allow them to love me

I do not allow God to love me.

As I sit here and think of God, my Father, trying to help me; I put before Him this fear.

The fear that He will see my weakness and trample on my heart… He is better than that. Bigger than that… I surrender.

No, I do not say I give up; I could probably summon up the energy to fight on, to fix, to amass wealth, to be a roaring success… But I bow my head before my Source, knowing that in Him, I will thrive, in and out of season. Letting God, my Father, love me.

“The way in which God heals our wounds, is a deeply personal process” John Eldredge

Beholden to my Father

So, I was sharing about this trust business with you the other day, saying how I, very painfully, was choosing to trust my heavenly Father. But I wonder if that was all there was to it.

Let me share a bit of my story: I have had a pretty rough life, you know fighting with siblings for food, shoes, beddings, clothing… Yeah, life has been hard. I have had to claw my way to the top. If you want an interpretation for this, read “Life with a sister” if that book does not exist, I will write it!

Now, as I was saying, I clawed my way through it all. Even when I went to school; it was a dog eat dog world (not sure that fits there, but I mean, those kids ate my lunch!) I had to learn to defend myself. Or to be precise to hide myself, better still be invisible.  And that was before the fight for perfect grades came along…

Through the years I have come to learn that there is no excuse for failure, not even a terminal illness, as is evidenced by the countless testimonies of people who topped the country from hospital beds. Somehow, I knew I was expected to beat the odds. No cutting slack for this mortal.

So, there is no excuse for failure and you also know that for all good behavior, for good grades, for any win, you are granted the right to approach your provider and make your requests known…only if all is in order. And make sure you made your bed, did the dishes and fed the cat-dog.

Where am I going with this? The grace walk asks me to divorce myself form this nature, in fact it invites me to come as I am. How preposterous! Dear God, let me explain how the world works. You do not give a great number of gifts to a leprous unclean unreliable failure without any guarantees of change or of perfection, save for the effects of Your eternal company. ARE WE TOGETHER?!

Now that we have that out of the way, let me continue. I joined this grace shebang early in life, with just a few misdemeanors to my name, which I immediately set about fixing. And since then, the trend was set; we all know you do not ask for anything, especially if you do not deserve it. AND people only give you gifts only when they expect something in return… But then again, it is only I who has such a jaundiced view of the world. People give out of love in your world, lucky bugger! 

So, here I sit reading this bible which constantly invites me to ask God for things. Yeah, sure, I am getting round to that part. But first will you show me what you do not like about me? See, I still recall the last BIG gift you handed me, and I still do not think I have paid my dues…

I have been transformed by the dragging of my mind (kicking and screaming) to the understanding of the statutes of the Lord God. I am looking in the mirror and being transformed… you said that is what you wanted of me, right? 

I have set about the work of making myself worthy of this grace and favor and yet each time I approach Your throne, I am tongue tied, for once again, I am reminded of my shortcomings.

So what happens to me now? Do I never ask for a thing from my self-proclaimed provider? 

Now that we have finished the background, let us get to the real story: Beholden to my Father.

Yes, I am beholden, indebted.

To the one who owns the universe

The one who created me

With specific purpose

A purpose I have sought

And seem to have miserably missed

Or messed up

I am beholden to a being so big

The earth is his footstool

I despair

Like a slave trying to pay off

A miserly, niggardly master

Who has counted my dues down to the last penny

With what eyes I view my Beloved

My generous Master

Who has chosen to walk into my warped life

Offer His own life as payment for my dues

And when He seems to turn His back

Here I am trying to pay Him back…

As if I could ever match His worth…

I thought this the best way to express where I am right now. In that place where you are asking Him what you can give Him in payment for what you stand at His feet requesting of Him.

I am used to paying my dues, what happens when my giver expects nothing in return? Not perfection, not my complete transformation…simply my trust.

Honestly, I am dubious. But He leaves me no option: I will be beholden to Him, in time and eternity. Just need to learn to be a graceful receiver

Journey of Trust

There are things we really want and we pray to Father, telling Him just how much we want them. In my case, I go before Him with the fear that I do not deserve what I am asking for, or that He will say no. I fear the latter more, maybe because I have already come to terms with my un-deservingness.

So here I am, wide awake, listening to some Josh Groban and dragging my thoughts on a faith journey. The Word says perfect love casts out all fear (1 John4:18). What this is telling me right now is simple, that I should not be afraid, because of Love within me.

Why is it that each time something important comes up in my life, I doubt my Father’s ability to take care of me? When I was 12 I had exactly the same fear as when I was 15 praying for my mother to live. And when she died, I was sure the fault lay somewhere with me. Then when I was 16, hoping to be accepted back in my High school for my A’ levels I had the same fear. I think this time the weeping was even more magnified; for I had prayed, asking for something that was important to me, and received what I interpreted as a negative answer with my mother’s death, surely this was less important and would receive a similar answer.

Fear had been sown in my heart. I doubted my heavenly father’s heart towards me; surely I would not get what I really wanted. And that time I did, I was still in His grace. Then came university entry and once again I was gripped with the fear that my requests would somehow not meet father’s approval… Fear was still resident in my heart…

Since then I have been attracted to a number of young men and not a one of them was mine… Fear was still resident in my heart. 

Right now, as I again ask for something I really want I am back at this place and once again I am faced with the question: Do you believe my heart towards you, my beloved?

See, most people would share this as a testimony of how good God has been, possibly after they have received the good man, the good job, the promotion, or whatever it is they are asking for… This for me is more than that.

This is me saying it is not easy to trust and this is me saying I choose to trust. I am trusting that Father’s plan for my life is good, to give me a hope and a future, to prosper me, a plan to place me according to my purpose (Jeremiah 29:11).

This is me telling my soul to rest in Him. And this is me asking you to take this journey with me and do the same.