Perfected: For His Glory.

I have been learning about graciousness; let me first google the definition.

So, this is what I found:

Gracious- adjective.
1. courteous, kind, pleasant.
2. (in christian belief) showing divine grace
Synonyms: merciful, compassionate, kind

 What I am learning incorporates showing divine grace and mercy, compassion and kindness, the very nature of God.

I will never leave you, nor forsake you.

I once wrote about how human nature is selfish, yes, even those really nice people you know. We think about self, what another will do for you, what you can get out of a relationship, how it will make you feel when you do something nice for someone...

And being declared "not nice", "mean" firmly placed me in the opposite corner; I was sure there was no good in me. A lie from the pits of hell.
For a while I would do things in the background; make sure a birthday party happens without a hitch, give time, money, encouragement, all the things considered to be "good". BUT still I was not good.

Where am I going with this?
I started relating with God in this same defeated way; of course He knows I am messed up. It is my fault; even the things I had no control over became my fault. You cannot blame people or circumstances, you decide... and similar thoughts echoed in my mind. And I believed them all.

I remember not talking to God if I really wanted something, because of my past, I was sure there was something wrong with wanting things. It is always better to be indifferent, then you will not get hurt if it doesn't work out.

He kept asking me; "Is that what you really think of me?" and after a while of silence, I admitted that, "Yes God, I am afraid you are teaching me a lesson for something I did" and "I probably resent you, because you could have stopped me or simply told me what it was you wanted changed..."

His responses were always unexpected, "Beloved, I find pleasure in you", "I find no blemish", "I rejoice over you" and each time I would respond with an ill-humored, "why". I would be met with silence.

This silence was not because He did not know what to say; He was saying that He saw me, even better than I saw myself and what He saw was beautiful. I could not understand it.

How do you understand unconditional love when your own love is filled with conditions, strings, "if-statements" and deadlines?

While we were yet sinners, He loved us.

I am loved because I am loved; totally has nothing to do with me and yet has everything to do with me. He chose to love me. He is not blind. He sees me and He loves me.

THEN He started asking me to treat those around me in the same way and I was like; "NO WAY! Have you seen those people???"

Clearly this shows you the state of my heart.

I am learning to treat with grace, those around me. To believe all things, hope all things, rejoice over them... nothing to do with them, everything to do with them.

You know how you make someone mad and apologise and expect them to forget all about it, not treat you any different? Yes?
That is exactly how you should treat them when they wrong you.

This is what I am learning. Of course it cuts across a number of things and as I meditate on it, I find even more applications of this lesson.

I tried, in my own strength, to be a good person yet all the while He was working to perfect me. For His Glory.

Photo Credits: string by Gnu2000 (flickr), Hands by Anand Krshnaswamy

Beautiful in its season.

Today I was learning about seasons:

I have been learning about resting in the season you are in, not watching, envying and wanting other people's seasons
 I think I am in a season of restoration and building, both of which require conscious effort in terms of time and growth. I had a couple of broken relationships that needed my attention; in the past if it was broken, i simply left it alone.

He shall comfort your wastelands...

I felt Father asking me to invest in those things/people that I had given up on; so I thought, "fine, I will deal with it". It is amazing how we overestimate our role in situations. Thinking that simply because you have caught a glimpse of the plan, it is yours to run with.

I am learning; that this season will have to come to its complete end, that the end may bring out a gem. A finely finished product; refined in a fire so hot it burned away all my flaws.  This may sound like a poetic insert, but when you have gone through situations which you really would much rather not be in, so uncomfortable and painful, you will liken them to a fire.

I am learning to be gracious in and out of season; gracious in my wait. Thankful in the hope of a beautifully finished product.

He makes everything beautiful in its season...

I have probably thrown a bunch of lessons together, but i still hope you will see something to take home for your season.

Photo Credit: Edith Namuganga

In Wonder of Your Gift: Life.

A friend insisted that I have a gift and I should share it with those around me.
I secretly did not believe him.
At the time, I thought it was me I would share, and in a sense, it is myself that I share; but he meant much more. I was certain I had nothing to share, after all, it is just plain me...

The beauty and wonder of creation. Experience it. Enjoy it.

Last night  I was overwhelmed with the wonderful gift that life (and its experiences) is:
I had just attended a concert by Sauti Ya Africa, a group of very talented musicians, one of them my voice teacher, and I was feeling blessed.

Living life would be just that;
1. If it were not for the ability to taste our food.
2. If not for the ability to recognise beauty.
3. If not for the ability to feel (love, sadness and the tiny feelings in-between).
4. If not for the newness that comes with every new person.
5. If babies were not so perfect and amazing to look at.
6. If there were no color...
7. Worse still, if there were no music, dance...

It would all fall flat, but I guess we would never realise that. We would not know any different.

As we drove away with a beloved friend, and I watched the play of evening lights on the passing scenary, my heart swelled with gratitude.
How he loves us; to give us the gift of life and love and work and people...

What a great opportunity to experience wonder upon wonder...
I have been taking it for granted, taking it all as normal. But it is not.

I know what I have to do with this gift; I will share with you my wonder, my excitement for being alive.
I will share my lessons; the good and the not so easy...
Come lets us take a trip through this gift.
The gift of life.

Walk through the door. Explore.

Photo Credit: Anand Krishnaswamy

He cares for you, watchfully and affectionately.

He more he loves me, the more I love:

I have had the unfortunate experience of messing up a good number of my relationships, and as I saw people give up on me and our relationship, I would get disheartened.

God has also seen me throw tantrums, speak to him in fear and doubt, so our relationship, hemanly speaking, would have been on the rocks.

But he isn't only human, he is God also, and as he treats me graciously after in insult him, when I would expect rejection, he reveals to me a new way to live and love (rebuking me and instructing me anew).

He will hold you through it all...

As he jealously guards my relationship with him, that "nothing will snatch me out of his hand", not even my own failures.

From the heart of one who has been forgiven much, I would like to say: I love you :)

Photo credit: (the awesome)Anand Krishnaswamy

I will work harder!

I am going to keep it brief and hopefully real:
I haven't been myself for a while, scratch that, for most of my life.
Recently, all I could see were my shortcomings; fact was, i was convinced that all my friends and acquaintances wanted was a perfect version of me.

A couple of people have listened to me moan constantly for months about my imperfections.
"...there is therefore now no condemnation..."
I condemned myself with every word that came out of my mouth and with every thought, I isolated myself to that place where no one's love could reach me.
Not God, not my friends, nobody. I had failed them so I would hide and nurse my failure.

Most of the time I would worry at an incident, turning it this way and that, looking for a way to fix it.
For those who love me, this was a constant rejection of their love and forgiveness.

Giving and receiving love and forgiveness is an interesting thing:
I wanted to be worthy, to be deserving, each time i failed, I would apologise profusely,
even knowing in my mind that all these promises of being a better person would fall by the wayside.
I could not let it go; how will they know i am repentant, if it is not followed by a promise of better behaviour?

I will work harder...

Since their love for me correlated to my performance, i felt like Boxer in George Orwell's animal farm, constantly declaring, "I will work harder" in the hope that that would make everything better.
And I failed, been failing...

Should I stop here?
In the spirit of baring all and making no excuses, I probably should
BUT I will share what I have learned from this painful process.

1. I will not glory in my imperfection, rather I will declare all that is good in me. Even those I am yet to achieve.
2. I will accept graciously the love that is given me as unconditional. I will not question it, but celebrate it daily.
3. I will not entertain imaginations of my loved one's non-existent disappointment. Ever.
4. I will not repeat said suspicions to anyone, especially not my loved ones. Not even myself.
5.I will learn from and not dwell on my failure. I will celebrate every learning.

Photo Credit:photography.ivanmcclellan.com

Who Am I? (Be yourself)

I have been afraid of writing, because I was feared it would be a lie... that I would not speak my heart. But I am learning to trust myself. Trust my heart.

So this is what I came up with...

I am perfect:

Growing up where I did, was growing up with expectations; I have a very supportive family, I cannot complain.

But growing up with all their expectations was hard. Almost each one had a vision for my life, for one, that I will always be at the top in my school, even appear in the national papers for my genius, For another, that I will excel at maths and simply ace every exam and for another that I would receive salvation and be a good kid and for my parents, work hard and have a better life...

All these visions have shaped me into who I am; a human being obsessed with perfection, unrelenting in my criticism of self, a child of God, utterly terrified of disappointing him and barely able to hear his voice amidst all the worry. 

This instance of me, this one version, is the right version... image from forbes.com

I am the likeness of God:

It is laughable how the Word of God describes me at every turn; as one who sees who I am, and forgets my very likeness... 

James 1:23-24 says "For if any be a hearer of the word and not a doer, he is like a man beholding his natural face in a glass: For he beholdeth himself and goeth his way and straightway forgetteth what manner of man he was."

For years as a child, I did not look at myself in mirrors; I was convinced I was the fattest, strangest creature alive and it creeped into my adulthood and almost every area of my life.

Somebody else was always better; If I met a guy and he said he liked me, an image of all my lovely, girly girl-friends would come to mind. (I have always been more of a tom-boy, mainly because I hated the girly clothes and shoes... how do I explain that they were plain hideous?) 

I would go on to tell this boy/man about every sweet girly friend in my life, because I had heard all these things about how girls were meant to behave and dress and I was none of that...

I am worthy...

I had stopped writing; maybe what I felt was overwhelming. Or maybe I was afraid.

I missed my writing, I missed my constant companion. I missed my daily pouring out of my heart on paper as my Lord read it... Like the clouds in a drought, I withheld my refreshing goodness. I knew what to say and would not say it. I was not talking to God. 

I had failed.

I was broken and it was my fault. I had no idea how to fix me... I was no longer worthy, my words could no longer be used to bless... I was unworthy.

I am Edith, the son of God.

Until Monday, 10th November 2013, this week... I thought and believed all these things about myself...

I was imperfect, not beautiful or worthy of anyone's notice...

On Monday, my Father rebuked me; he shined a light on all my wrong thoughts and asked me to believe His word. Regardless of my failures, both present and past. He asked me to walk in obedience with Him. Allow healing to surround and comfort my waste-places.

Isaiah 51:3 says "For the Lord shall comfort Zion: he will comfort all her waste places; and he will make her wilderness like Eden and her desert like the garden of the Lord; joy and gladness shall be found therein, thanksgiving and the voice of melody."

He stopped me, rebuked me, because my words and thoughts were destroying His Beloved, myself.

Hebrews 12:5-11 mentions how I am his son, how he chastens/rebukes so that I may have life...

that I may yield the peaceable fruit of righteousness and be a partaker of his holiness...

Who am I? 

I am who he says I am and right now, that calls for me to shut out all voices except His. Trust that He will give me an identity, remind me of who I am; who He meant me to be.

Jeremiah 29:11-13 says "For I know the thoughts I think towards you, saith the Lord, thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you and expected end. Then shall ye call upon me and ye shall go and pray to me and I will hearken unto you. And ye shall seek me and find me, when you seek me with all your heart."

I am learning that I am perfect, that I am worthy, regardless of my performance. This instance of me, this one version, is the right version.

I am learning that what my Father says is who I am, whether I see it in the natural or not...

I am confident that He who has begun this good work in me, will be faithful to accomplish it...

Show me how to love;

Show me how to love;

I haven’t been making many friends recently; I seem to have a tendency of bringing up things people would much rather hide, ignore…

Act like nothing happened.

The first time that happened, I was 18 and I felt the leading to speak about abstinence, waiting for a spouse and a relationship sanctioned before God… I got a thundering silence.

I got the feeling that all my words were being cut out of my audience’s minds; clearly I was not saying cool stuff.

In a society where sex is considered sin, until you find the “one” in which case we can ignore all the sin and proceed with the happy event, in or out of marriage.

As I decided to cut my talk short that afternoon; I consulted with God and pleaded with Him not to give me any more impressions to speak on unsavory topics…

Until recently.

I have been learning about immediate obedience and listening for the Spirit’s leading in my life… As promised, if you are listening, you WILL hear…. And I heard.

Heard Him asking me to speak on another unsavory topic; I thought we had understood each other the first time round… clearly not.

This time I had to talk about truthful relationships, intimate relationships; beyond lying to each other, hiding our true feeling behind smiles and sermons.

We have had a season where we are being taught about “doing life together” and you know what, the prospect of pretending for the duration of that life was simply beyond consideration.

To watch people lie to each other “in love” and to be asked to contribute to this farce… 

I have made no friends.

I refuse to countenance duplicity; relationships which are so superficial they have no roots to them. We only choose to go as deep as we are comfortable. An imitation, a resemblance of Christ-like love without the sacrifice… Anything outside this, no, let us walk away. Let us not deal. Lest we actually have to communicate for once in this game we have made of life.

My mind screamed vanity! VANITY!!

I want to make friends, so if I blend in, act like I am not bothered, perhaps this need for truth, this desire to deal and make whole… Perhaps it would let me alone. It did not.

Here I am once again, not making any friends; because I simply cannot, will not, conform to these standards…

There must be more than this.

My Father calls me to intimacy; where I will speak my heart and mind to Him, where He protects my feelings and sees me. All of me.

He calls us to the same intimacy with each other…

When God called Adam, “Adam, where are you?” and Adam replies something like “…back here coz we realized we were naked…” that must be where walls were born.

Walls between man and God; Walls between man and man… It went beyond our nakedness to who we were; our spirits lost that intimate contact.

We are called back to that intimate contact, that fellowship that goes beyond politically correct niceties. Ever wondered why we are asked over and over to love one another? To extend God’s love to each other?

I will let you think on that; think on the kind of love he calls you to with himself and then let me know how he calls you to love those you are “doing life” with.

I may not have received this revelation in full… but you and I both know duplicity is not our portion. We are called to greater; in every single way.

Let me say what doing life together means to my simple mind, which is the mind of Christ, might I add…

To love/do life together means;

•    To care enough to stay, even when you do not have all the answers.
•    To seek to understand what lies behind those walls.
•    To seek to protect, with the same vigilance, that which the other protects behind those walls.
•    To uproot those things that would choke life out of the one you love, even when they may not thank you for it.
•    To hope all things
•    To believe all things

Do not get me wrong; I do not say you condone sin where it is, neither am I saying you beat the one you love with rebuke at every opportunity.

No, love is gracious.

To be gracious is not so much about the tone of voice, but in the intention, the choice of timing, audience, and phrasing…

To love is to protect that which your beloved treasures.

It is to cover a multitude of sin; that means not broadcasting one another’s weaknesses in the name of testimony or prayer requests. It means that even if it would be the perfect analogy for a much needed sermon, you seek permission and if it is denied, you protect that privacy.

It means to close ranks about your beloved and protect them from condemnation, even your own. Especially your own.

There must be more than this… It is called love.

Discovering The Heart Of Worship

So, I have not said anything useful lately; I like how people react to raw emotion. The slight wince and the hunted look that appears in their eyes, as if they are looking for a way out of the conversation.

 That said, I do not want to have another awkward conversation with this page, just a conversation.

I have been learning: learning about worship.
I step out of the house on many days, look up at the sky, take in the position of the clouds in the sky, stars (if any), the shade of blue, allow myself to be calmed by the beauty... Then I say," Thank you Father, it is beautiful." I then turn round and walk back into the house.

I love creation and everything that testifies of God's artistry; the crunch of leaves underfoot, the ray of light filtering through dew covered leaves.

"God is a Spirit: and they that worship him must worship him in spirit and in truth." John 4:24

A daunting scripture especially when you are convinced you are unworthy and will somehow never measure up... 

I have been learning; learning about worship, about believing that I am doing something right. For as long as I focus on Him and not on my possible shortcomings, I am ok. 

Do not get me wrong, I am not interpreting this scripture, rather, I am talking about worship. I am talking about finding beauty in creation, sharing good food with good company, listening to the gurgle of a baby's laughter or a spring... 

Beholding these things and acknowledging the creator.

Realising that every moment is an opportunity to worship. 

As long as you look up from your place of despair, look away from the scorching heat, look away and gaze upon creation that was put there for your enjoyment...

Ever wonder why a bubbling brook soothes your soul in a special way, how a happy child draws a like response from those around it...?

My revelation may not be perfect or complete... but if it draws me closer to my footstool at the Father's feet... I have found where I belong.

Photo by Sally Brown

Out of my closet.

I haven't written in a while... why? well because I was hurting. Hurting in a way that many know, but choose never to speak of... See, we, or at least I, come from a tradition of maintained calmness. You remain in one state: happy. If ever you find yourself out of it, fix yourself and then get back to the happy crowd.

So I have learned to conform, lest I am accused of being overly sensitive, guilty of the sin of being emotional... I lie, through my teeth. Of course I am ok, of course all is well. Of course!
SO I have seasons of silence; where you will not catch any glimpse of me, lest the state of my heart and mind offend you. Lest I offend you.

I am learning to live differently; I am aware we are fostering the era of privacy, which for me translates into "hug yourself until all is well" among other things.

But today, I ask to be excused by all you well put together, happy, stable human beings; let me speak to that one person. Yeah, the other weak person, who just like me, has failed to carry the load elegantly making no sound and with all appearance of not being put together. That one person.

The last few days have been great my Father, God, has been amazing; answering prayers I did not know I even had lurking somewhere within me. I just started at what I will dare to call a "dream job" I get to work with lots of brilliant, interesting people, learn lots of new things, even travel at times! I tell myself that I should be happy and I am, but... 

I found myself lonely in a way I have never been before. Looking out the window at a new city, a lovely city, with lovely people and I was sad. The sadness that acknowledges points of happiness, that acknowledges beauty and yet keeps seeking. The loneliness for a companion. That kind. The one YOU would never admit, so I will admit for you... 

I wanted somebody to explore with, yeah, I have friends, but you catch my drift; there is only so much friends can do. I wanted more. You watch all those happy couples and begin to wish... (Ok, right now, I am listening to a teaching on being a happy single person, by Dr. Myles Munroe, so I am not wallowing... I do want out) You watch people hold hands, share a secret laugh with their phones, make a whispered phone call... I may not necessarily do all those things... but the spirit with which it is done. That I want. 

I have been silent, listening to happy tales of loved ones and being happy for the speaker and with all I am I am happy for the speaker. But... One part of me is seeped in wanting and wishing...
Ok, now that I have confessed...

Way forward? I prefer to, like most people in my society, remain in a stable emotional state; no extremes. Especially of the pain variety.
I am listening to sermons, giving myself pep-talks, trusting I will catch up with truths that I know and find my now elusive happy single state.
AND in the spirit of confession; I cry during sad movies, when I read sad novels AND when I watch japanese anime. I am out of my emotional closet. SUE ME.  

Breathe... One day at a time.

Picture by By Ben Casnocha

Bipolar Psalms

You wrote a piece, no, a tribute, articulating your pain…

You want to be committed to that pain…

At least I do.

You know, give it time,

Hold it close…

Let it run its course…

Prove it mattered…

Mbu, “these things take time…”

I hate that comment.

It holds me captive…

To the most painful memories,

Experiences I need to forget…

But “…you know, it takes time…”

Well, I do not care for time tested time limits…

I will set my own…

My limits cover a couple of seconds

3 seconds.

One to think

Two to hurt

Three to compose something new...

If you have read the Psalms of King David,

You know that guy had this trick down…

He could have been diagnosed with bipolarity…

All I know is that, like him,

Halfway through hugging my pain, my mess, close to myself,

I do not want it any more

I am flooded with thoughts,

Of the happy sort

Next thing I know,

Like a sunburst after a storm,

I am smiling through the veil of my tears…

I am praising and laughing

Skipping through my storm…

Peace, perfect peace…

Whose mind is stayed on thee….

Thou wilt keep him in perfect peace, whose mind is stayed on thee: because he trusteth in thee… Isaiah 26:3