I have a lot to say, but then I wonder if some of it will
not prove offensive. So, let me try to sculpture it in a way that you
understand, that may or may not offend you.
I am tired of tiptoeing; you know, making certain that I do
not offend and yet I do. My desire for approval reaches far back into my past
and stretches painfully in my present. I want to be acceptable in your eyes,
but see, I have failed. In fact, I fall flat on my face at your feet, sprawled
gracelessly, seeking your approval.
You have heard of writer’s block, haven’t you? Well, for
those who have not, it is basically a time when I have a lot to say and I am
either too lazy or too chicken to say it. Other people say that they simply
have nothing to say, but that is their opinion. I find that I usually have
something to say, the question is if I actually want to say it.
Have you ever had a conversation where your opinion, albeit
sought, is not necessarily wanted? No? Well, blessed are you among all people,
for you have dodged a bullet. I have friends, who declare they totally find me
amazing… until I speak.
The question is: is it the idea of me that you find
attractive, for it is certainly not myself. Yes, I am venting, in fact I have
to if you expect to read any more truths, else you will simply find flowery
poetry that has nothing whatsoever to do with my actual opinion.
We are all different. A statement, which, although it is
true, has been used to brow beat and punish those whose difference does not
meet your approval. I find this most common with those who claim to be liberal,
but that is a story for another day. This rave is about approval.
It is nice to have pretty manners, to be socially
acceptable. I have been told that is the way of life and until this desire
snuck into my relationship with God, I thought nothing of it. For me to walk in
duplicity before my father who sees me for who I really am is sad indeed.
Do not misconstrue this: I am unhappy with people who expect
me to fit their criteria while lying to my face that they totally adore me, but
when this two faced lie reaches its weak hand into the most important relationship
in my life…
I have been studying the book of 1 John and the insight I have
got on who I am, and what I have been given because of love strips me of any
hope I had to impress God. I simply cannot manage it, and you know what, He
does not require it of me. For “…while we were yet sinners he loved us…” as I meditated
on this I realized that I am blessed whether I am at my best or not.
Again, do not misunderstand, by the nature of my
relationship with my Father, He requires a complete transformation, but that is
a transformation of my mind. And when your thinking changes, your life changes with
it. I am called to excellence and my journey is leading me there. Not to
duplicity. Never there.
This intimacy calls for an honesty that society says we
should not have… I choose to speak freely before my king, for He is merciful,
and sees my heart.
