Bipolar Psalms

You wrote a piece, no, a tribute, articulating your pain…

You want to be committed to that pain…

At least I do.

You know, give it time,

Hold it close…

Let it run its course…

Prove it mattered…

Mbu, “these things take time…”

I hate that comment.

It holds me captive…

To the most painful memories,

Experiences I need to forget…

But “…you know, it takes time…”

Well, I do not care for time tested time limits…

I will set my own…

My limits cover a couple of seconds

3 seconds.

One to think

Two to hurt

Three to compose something new...

If you have read the Psalms of King David,

You know that guy had this trick down…

He could have been diagnosed with bipolarity…

All I know is that, like him,

Halfway through hugging my pain, my mess, close to myself,

I do not want it any more

I am flooded with thoughts,

Of the happy sort

Next thing I know,

Like a sunburst after a storm,

I am smiling through the veil of my tears…

I am praising and laughing

Skipping through my storm…

Peace, perfect peace…

Whose mind is stayed on thee….

Thou wilt keep him in perfect peace, whose mind is stayed on thee: because he trusteth in thee… Isaiah 26:3

Depressed...Almost, not quite.

I thought this was the end of the road for me.
I stared at the the door that would lead me to the bleakness
The bleakness in my heart...
Well...
I have been sad, felt myself sinking
Felt justified, no obliged to sink
Sink, berate, huddle in a small corner...
"Yeah, here I go again,
Messing up a perfectly good thing
Mbu, I have feelings.
Mscwh, feelings my big toe!
Naye, they were there...
Are there..."
I am sick and tired
Of being sick and tired...
So how do I get out of here?There has no temptation taken you, but such as is common to man... 1 Corinthians 10:13
...whatsoever things are true, pure, honest... Philippians 4:8
 Dragging my mind along...
...kicking and screaming
I have found myself new thoughts.
I have to...
Lest I sink...
Continue to sink, berate, huddle...
I choose life...
Every single time i will choose life
MY ABUNDANT LIFE.

...but they that wait upon the Lord... Isaiah 40:27-31

Obsessive Compulsive Disorder

I am uncertain. I do not do this well. Now, clear and well-defined, that I can do. I want to know my days are well-planned out. On Sunday night! 

Sadly life is not all that tidy, well, not mine anyway. It is cluttered with things I need to do, in no defined order. Now, I have been accused of having OCD, I can see how somebody would see that. Truly my need to control and arrange was a painful habit that I did not even know I had. Until those around me started to complain.

I truly do not want to control everything, it is tiresome, many times impossible, especially given all the variables which are the people that life has thrown me with. It is tiresome; to want to control and double check and measure the accuracy of everything. It also means you are working and nagging all the time…

One day at a time:

I used to double-check everything; I set out to would make a phone call, dial and cross-check the life out of those digits. Placing a phone call is a truly fearsome event. I would feel my heart rate and blood pressure hike each time I thought to place a call.

Life is not neat and I have to live it. So how do we do this? I have learned to rest at Father’s feet and take everything one day at a time…

Has it got better? Yes, definitely! From cross-checking the phone number digits 5/6 times, it went down to three and now, I look once. I have learned that to dial a wrong number is not a life threatening event.

I only cross-check the door lock once, after I have pushed it… many times less than the what I had to d, including getting out of bed to check all door locks. You could say the compulsion was based in fear and I would agree. Fear of imperfection, fear of getting things wrong, fear of forgetting…

Yes, I truly lived a life of bondage. But you know what, every day I walk away, closer to a messy room, closer to a bed with creases, closer to a house full of things that are not squeaky clean…

You know what; I can breathe better now. So if my life is unordered right now, I have learned that that too is ok. The one who is in charge of it knows where it is going, so I can sit back and let it be. I could dust a few things while I wait, but I have to cling onto the assurance that He has got it. “For I know the thoughts I think toward you, saith the Lord, thoughts of peace and not of evil, to bring you to an expected end.” Jeremiah 29:11