He cares for you, watchfully and affectionately.

He more he loves me, the more I love:

I have had the unfortunate experience of messing up a good number of my relationships, and as I saw people give up on me and our relationship, I would get disheartened.

God has also seen me throw tantrums, speak to him in fear and doubt, so our relationship, hemanly speaking, would have been on the rocks.

But he isn't only human, he is God also, and as he treats me graciously after in insult him, when I would expect rejection, he reveals to me a new way to live and love (rebuking me and instructing me anew).

He will hold you through it all...

As he jealously guards my relationship with him, that "nothing will snatch me out of his hand", not even my own failures.

From the heart of one who has been forgiven much, I would like to say: I love you :)

Photo credit: (the awesome)Anand Krishnaswamy

I will work harder!

I am going to keep it brief and hopefully real:
I haven't been myself for a while, scratch that, for most of my life.
Recently, all I could see were my shortcomings; fact was, i was convinced that all my friends and acquaintances wanted was a perfect version of me.

A couple of people have listened to me moan constantly for months about my imperfections.
"...there is therefore now no condemnation..."
I condemned myself with every word that came out of my mouth and with every thought, I isolated myself to that place where no one's love could reach me.
Not God, not my friends, nobody. I had failed them so I would hide and nurse my failure.

Most of the time I would worry at an incident, turning it this way and that, looking for a way to fix it.
For those who love me, this was a constant rejection of their love and forgiveness.

Giving and receiving love and forgiveness is an interesting thing:
I wanted to be worthy, to be deserving, each time i failed, I would apologise profusely,
even knowing in my mind that all these promises of being a better person would fall by the wayside.
I could not let it go; how will they know i am repentant, if it is not followed by a promise of better behaviour?

I will work harder...

Since their love for me correlated to my performance, i felt like Boxer in George Orwell's animal farm, constantly declaring, "I will work harder" in the hope that that would make everything better.
And I failed, been failing...

Should I stop here?
In the spirit of baring all and making no excuses, I probably should
BUT I will share what I have learned from this painful process.

1. I will not glory in my imperfection, rather I will declare all that is good in me. Even those I am yet to achieve.
2. I will accept graciously the love that is given me as unconditional. I will not question it, but celebrate it daily.
3. I will not entertain imaginations of my loved one's non-existent disappointment. Ever.
4. I will not repeat said suspicions to anyone, especially not my loved ones. Not even myself.
5.I will learn from and not dwell on my failure. I will celebrate every learning.

Photo Credit:photography.ivanmcclellan.com

Who Am I? (Be yourself)

I have been afraid of writing, because I was feared it would be a lie... that I would not speak my heart. But I am learning to trust myself. Trust my heart.

So this is what I came up with...

I am perfect:

Growing up where I did, was growing up with expectations; I have a very supportive family, I cannot complain.

But growing up with all their expectations was hard. Almost each one had a vision for my life, for one, that I will always be at the top in my school, even appear in the national papers for my genius, For another, that I will excel at maths and simply ace every exam and for another that I would receive salvation and be a good kid and for my parents, work hard and have a better life...

All these visions have shaped me into who I am; a human being obsessed with perfection, unrelenting in my criticism of self, a child of God, utterly terrified of disappointing him and barely able to hear his voice amidst all the worry. 

This instance of me, this one version, is the right version... image from forbes.com

I am the likeness of God:

It is laughable how the Word of God describes me at every turn; as one who sees who I am, and forgets my very likeness... 

James 1:23-24 says "For if any be a hearer of the word and not a doer, he is like a man beholding his natural face in a glass: For he beholdeth himself and goeth his way and straightway forgetteth what manner of man he was."

For years as a child, I did not look at myself in mirrors; I was convinced I was the fattest, strangest creature alive and it creeped into my adulthood and almost every area of my life.

Somebody else was always better; If I met a guy and he said he liked me, an image of all my lovely, girly girl-friends would come to mind. (I have always been more of a tom-boy, mainly because I hated the girly clothes and shoes... how do I explain that they were plain hideous?) 

I would go on to tell this boy/man about every sweet girly friend in my life, because I had heard all these things about how girls were meant to behave and dress and I was none of that...

I am worthy...

I had stopped writing; maybe what I felt was overwhelming. Or maybe I was afraid.

I missed my writing, I missed my constant companion. I missed my daily pouring out of my heart on paper as my Lord read it... Like the clouds in a drought, I withheld my refreshing goodness. I knew what to say and would not say it. I was not talking to God. 

I had failed.

I was broken and it was my fault. I had no idea how to fix me... I was no longer worthy, my words could no longer be used to bless... I was unworthy.

I am Edith, the son of God.

Until Monday, 10th November 2013, this week... I thought and believed all these things about myself...

I was imperfect, not beautiful or worthy of anyone's notice...

On Monday, my Father rebuked me; he shined a light on all my wrong thoughts and asked me to believe His word. Regardless of my failures, both present and past. He asked me to walk in obedience with Him. Allow healing to surround and comfort my waste-places.

Isaiah 51:3 says "For the Lord shall comfort Zion: he will comfort all her waste places; and he will make her wilderness like Eden and her desert like the garden of the Lord; joy and gladness shall be found therein, thanksgiving and the voice of melody."

He stopped me, rebuked me, because my words and thoughts were destroying His Beloved, myself.

Hebrews 12:5-11 mentions how I am his son, how he chastens/rebukes so that I may have life...

that I may yield the peaceable fruit of righteousness and be a partaker of his holiness...

Who am I? 

I am who he says I am and right now, that calls for me to shut out all voices except His. Trust that He will give me an identity, remind me of who I am; who He meant me to be.

Jeremiah 29:11-13 says "For I know the thoughts I think towards you, saith the Lord, thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you and expected end. Then shall ye call upon me and ye shall go and pray to me and I will hearken unto you. And ye shall seek me and find me, when you seek me with all your heart."

I am learning that I am perfect, that I am worthy, regardless of my performance. This instance of me, this one version, is the right version.

I am learning that what my Father says is who I am, whether I see it in the natural or not...

I am confident that He who has begun this good work in me, will be faithful to accomplish it...