Bipolar Psalms

You wrote a piece, no, a tribute, articulating your pain…

You want to be committed to that pain…

At least I do.

You know, give it time,

Hold it close…

Let it run its course…

Prove it mattered…

Mbu, “these things take time…”

I hate that comment.

It holds me captive…

To the most painful memories,

Experiences I need to forget…

But “…you know, it takes time…”

Well, I do not care for time tested time limits…

I will set my own…

My limits cover a couple of seconds

3 seconds.

One to think

Two to hurt

Three to compose something new...

If you have read the Psalms of King David,

You know that guy had this trick down…

He could have been diagnosed with bipolarity…

All I know is that, like him,

Halfway through hugging my pain, my mess, close to myself,

I do not want it any more

I am flooded with thoughts,

Of the happy sort

Next thing I know,

Like a sunburst after a storm,

I am smiling through the veil of my tears…

I am praising and laughing

Skipping through my storm…

Peace, perfect peace…

Whose mind is stayed on thee….

Thou wilt keep him in perfect peace, whose mind is stayed on thee: because he trusteth in thee… Isaiah 26:3

Depressed...Almost, not quite.

I thought this was the end of the road for me.
I stared at the the door that would lead me to the bleakness
The bleakness in my heart...
Well...
I have been sad, felt myself sinking
Felt justified, no obliged to sink
Sink, berate, huddle in a small corner...
"Yeah, here I go again,
Messing up a perfectly good thing
Mbu, I have feelings.
Mscwh, feelings my big toe!
Naye, they were there...
Are there..."
I am sick and tired
Of being sick and tired...
So how do I get out of here?There has no temptation taken you, but such as is common to man... 1 Corinthians 10:13
...whatsoever things are true, pure, honest... Philippians 4:8
 Dragging my mind along...
...kicking and screaming
I have found myself new thoughts.
I have to...
Lest I sink...
Continue to sink, berate, huddle...
I choose life...
Every single time i will choose life
MY ABUNDANT LIFE.

...but they that wait upon the Lord... Isaiah 40:27-31

Obsessive Compulsive Disorder

I am uncertain. I do not do this well. Now, clear and well-defined, that I can do. I want to know my days are well-planned out. On Sunday night! 

Sadly life is not all that tidy, well, not mine anyway. It is cluttered with things I need to do, in no defined order. Now, I have been accused of having OCD, I can see how somebody would see that. Truly my need to control and arrange was a painful habit that I did not even know I had. Until those around me started to complain.

I truly do not want to control everything, it is tiresome, many times impossible, especially given all the variables which are the people that life has thrown me with. It is tiresome; to want to control and double check and measure the accuracy of everything. It also means you are working and nagging all the time…

One day at a time:

I used to double-check everything; I set out to would make a phone call, dial and cross-check the life out of those digits. Placing a phone call is a truly fearsome event. I would feel my heart rate and blood pressure hike each time I thought to place a call.

Life is not neat and I have to live it. So how do we do this? I have learned to rest at Father’s feet and take everything one day at a time…

Has it got better? Yes, definitely! From cross-checking the phone number digits 5/6 times, it went down to three and now, I look once. I have learned that to dial a wrong number is not a life threatening event.

I only cross-check the door lock once, after I have pushed it… many times less than the what I had to d, including getting out of bed to check all door locks. You could say the compulsion was based in fear and I would agree. Fear of imperfection, fear of getting things wrong, fear of forgetting…

Yes, I truly lived a life of bondage. But you know what, every day I walk away, closer to a messy room, closer to a bed with creases, closer to a house full of things that are not squeaky clean…

You know what; I can breathe better now. So if my life is unordered right now, I have learned that that too is ok. The one who is in charge of it knows where it is going, so I can sit back and let it be. I could dust a few things while I wait, but I have to cling onto the assurance that He has got it. “For I know the thoughts I think toward you, saith the Lord, thoughts of peace and not of evil, to bring you to an expected end.” Jeremiah 29:11

Petrified

Have you ever:

Got what you thought you wanted…

Found you are terrified of it?

Well, I have.

Be it a new friend, lots of money, that dude I thought would complete me, that perfect job…

I get literally, petrified with the fear that;

I just might mess it up. In fact, I am sure I will mess it up.

As I stand still I recall my past responses;

Denial: no, I do not want it. It is ok, in fact, I never wanted it.

Doubt: is this what I really wanted, maybe I just worked myself into lather over nothing.

Unworthy: me? No, they would never have me. Why me?

Disbelief: this is too good to be true.

Let’s back out of this now!

As I go along with life and I have encountered things I clearly do not deserve like salvation and grace…

Well, these other things seem trivial in comparison. If I managed to qualify (through my extreme inability to qualify) for a life in salvation, well then I guess I have a pass to every single thing I thought I did not deserve.

I walk with assurance that my Father, God has got me and He will fix it if I mess it up…

Now I run forward to those things I once held back from:

He qualifies me.

He is my advocate.

He makes me worthy.

He is the lifter of my head.

 

Image from:  www.markramseymedia.com

Skeletons

We keep silent because we are afraid… scratch that: I keep silent because I am afraid.  Afraid that if you saw my heart you would not stay that if you saw me… You would run off screaming.

I want to write literary works of art, which everybody reads and is blown away by awesomeness. Here goes; I am not always awesome.

Today I was with a group of friends and one of my girls shared how she felt unworthy because her life was not where she wanted it to be… I have felt unworthy.

Unworthy to speak into anybody’s life, to comfort, encourage, admonish… my life was simply not in order. But if I forgot that, ignored my failures, my closet full of Ezekiel’s skeletons… 

This is what I would say.

There is hope. Hope after every hurt: self-inflicted, inflicted by others or whatever comes in-between… 

There is hope. Hope after you have messed up every single thing you touch; relationships, projects, dreams…

There is hope. Hope after your worst nightmare proves to be a wide-awake moment. After what is precious is taken from you.

There is hope. Let me show you where you can find it… Follow me.

“He sent me to give the good news to the poor. Tell prisoners that they are prisoners no more. Tell blind people that they can see. And set the downtrodden free.” Luke 4:18

Let me show you which part speaks to you: 

Are you poor?

Financially, emotionally, intellectually, physically… you are simply inadequate?

Are you a prisoner?

Of your past, your failures, your experiences, others’ experiences, your fears, the unknown, your addictions…

Are you blind?

Unseeing of the beauty of life, hopeless, with darkened visage and bleak future… even physically blind?

Are you downtrodden?

By life, friends, family, insecurity… held down so close to the ground you see nothing else?

Well, right here is your good news, your hope.

“In Him we live and move and have our being…” Acts 17:28 “Behold the old has gone all things have been made new…” 2 Corinthians 5:17

With these few things I declare you free and myself worthy to speak peace into your life. I am not better than you… I have simply accepted my inheritance.

Seeking Approval

I have a lot to say, but then I wonder if some of it will not prove offensive. So, let me try to sculpture it in a way that you understand, that may or may not offend you.

I am tired of tiptoeing; you know, making certain that I do not offend and yet I do. My desire for approval reaches far back into my past and stretches painfully in my present. I want to be acceptable in your eyes, but see, I have failed. In fact, I fall flat on my face at your feet, sprawled gracelessly, seeking your approval.

You have heard of writer’s block, haven’t you? Well, for those who have not, it is basically a time when I have a lot to say and I am either too lazy or too chicken to say it. Other people say that they simply have nothing to say, but that is their opinion. I find that I usually have something to say, the question is if I actually want to say it.

Have you ever had a conversation where your opinion, albeit sought, is not necessarily wanted? No? Well, blessed are you among all people, for you have dodged a bullet. I have friends, who declare they totally find me amazing… until I speak. 

The question is: is it the idea of me that you find attractive, for it is certainly not myself. Yes, I am venting, in fact I have to if you expect to read any more truths, else you will simply find flowery poetry that has nothing whatsoever to do with my actual opinion.

We are all different. A statement, which, although it is true, has been used to brow beat and punish those whose difference does not meet your approval. I find this most common with those who claim to be liberal, but that is a story for another day. This rave is about approval.

It is nice to have pretty manners, to be socially acceptable. I have been told that is the way of life and until this desire snuck into my relationship with God, I thought nothing of it. For me to walk in duplicity before my father who sees me for who I really am is sad indeed. 

Do not misconstrue this: I am unhappy with people who expect me to fit their criteria while lying to my face that they totally adore me, but when this two faced lie reaches its weak hand into the most important relationship in my life…

I have been studying the book of 1 John and the insight I have got on who I am, and what I have been given because of love strips me of any hope I had to impress God. I simply cannot manage it, and you know what, He does not require it of me. For “…while we were yet sinners he loved us…” as I meditated on this I realized that I am blessed whether I am at my best or not. 

Again, do not misunderstand, by the nature of my relationship with my Father, He requires a complete transformation, but that is a transformation of my mind. And when your thinking changes, your life changes with it. I am called to excellence and my journey is leading me there. Not to duplicity. Never there.

This intimacy calls for an honesty that society says we should not have… I choose to speak freely before my king, for He is merciful, and sees my heart.

I KNOW whom I have believed!

He says I am Forgiven:
Last night I sinned, against you and my body
I have since scrubbed away at my sinful flesh
Yes, you have forgiven me,
Yes, you have made me pure
…but did you see what I did?

He says I am Righteous:
I sneak along, hugging the walls
Burdened by my sin
Head hung low
Spend nights Weeping, Begging
Hoping… to be made worthy

He says I am the Apple of His Eye:
Yet I draw close in fear;
Of the sin I surely forgot to repent of
Of the grime I surely forgot to scrub away
Of the words that may just not be holy enough
Of someone more worthy…
Needing the audience space I am taking up

He says I am heir and son:
And yet with the homeless skeptic I choose to dwell
To feed on scraps that fall off my own Father’s table
I call upon the universe to beseech my Father
To beg my Father on my behalf…
For my own inheritance

He says I was healed:
Gave me a clean bill of health, he did
But every time I sneeze,
Surely, I have caught something fatal
Surely, I need to see the doctor
Regularly, I visit this doctor
Hoping the check-up gives good news
But secretly suspecting that chest pain to be fatal…

I say I am who He says I am;
Forgiven and Righteous
The Apple of his Eye
His heir, His son…
So, with head held high,
I will enter his courts with praise
With thanksgiving receive my inheritance
With utter conviction walk away
From the pool where we used to scrub at our sin
I am worthy;
Of my Father’s table.

For this reason I also suffer these things; nevertheless I am not ashamed, for I know whom I have believed and am persuaded that He is able to keep what I have committed to Him until that Day… 2Timothy 1:12

Let us therefore come boldly unto the throne of grace...Hebrews 4:16

Freewill

Life would be easier, right?
If we had a structure
A predefined set of rules for us to follow
A dictation which we could brainlessly follow to the letter
A master who saw our lives from the beginning to the end
Simply set us on the right path
Made sure we stuck to it…
And you know what?
We wouldn’t be any wiser for it.

Each time I find my foot conveniently parked in my mouth
Or find myself entangled in the heartache of my own mistakes
“Why didn’t you warn me?”
Even better, “why didn’t you stop me?”
YOU KNEW!
I look accusingly at my master
Even as I kick back that niggling, irritating thought
The knowledge that;
I just had to have my way
Nobody could have stopped me.

And even as you enfold me right back into your loving arms
I ask myself;
“When will I learn to listen?”
“When will I learn to choose right?”
“When will I get the hang of this, of making the right choices?”
“When will I stop shooting myself in the foot?”
Even as I slump back
Defeated, beaten by my path of choice
Cursing my right to choose
“Who thought me worthy of freewill?”
I am sure; no convinced, I do not need it…

Until I met you; asked you to love me
And you said yes…
Is there anything more beautiful?
Than the look in your eyes as once more I mess up
And once more you choose to draw me close to you
Sometimes, with my head hung low, almost certain
No convinced, that we are done…

I look up and you have that look;
That look that says you know what I did
That look that says that you still think the world of me
That look that twists up my insides
The look of what freewill can do…

How will I know;
Where to go
What to say
What to choose…?

Even as I hold my head in my hands
Feeling the despair of my inevitable failure
Hanging over my head
I hear the strong and sure sound of your voice
Assuring me;
You will guide me
You will direct me
You will light my way…
Your laughing voice;
Reminding me, reminding me that…

… I have the mind of Christ. 1Corinthians 2:16

...and I will soar with You.

The Tale Of A Former Sluggard

I had forgotten a few things; I had forgotten how to play, how to laugh simply because I can. I had forgotten.  I have been living in some kind of in-between universe, where I am waiting for life to happen to me, somebody to make a decision for me. 

It is easy to look at, point at, bleed for, somebody else when your own life is in a mess; I call those ostrich moments. I have had a couple of those lately, in fact for most of my life; blamed failure on pressure from those around me (believe me, it is a valid reason, pressure does have the ability to suck you dry), in that way, each time I felt even a little pressured, I gave up without a fight. It is a bit like giving up on a race simply because you have seen somebody run past you…

Anyway, most of you are not like me; no, you have always been hard workers; so let me share from my own experience. Perhaps you will understand where I am.

God is good. Always. That said I am still understanding some of these truths, how I come into the bigger picture, how I fit in. I think one of my biggest questions is why I was born into such a competitive era; I could work with a simple arranged marriage, an existence of farming my man’s lands, or better yet, being a kept woman. 

He must have known I would totally love the technology and the clothes and the quirky people around me. Anyway, back to the story of my laziness; I would much rather have things happen to me, sit on the throne of the complainer and simply appreciate life. 

Something my friend Mire keeps saying “He is committed to our development”, so when I started on the path of salvation, I gave up the role of a sluggard. The more I learned of Him, of life with Him, the harder I worked. The more I desired to work for Him, the greater the need to get up and get moving.

Contradictory scripture for you “Come unto me all ye who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn of me, for I am meek and lowly in heart; and you shall find rest unto your souls” (Matthew 11:28-29)

Now, I wanted the rest, none of this yoke carrying, none of this hard labor. Only the rest. But see, I wanted the healing, deliverance, and success that came with the Salvation package. Then there I am being told I have to prove myself a good work man, and I have to walk around donning armor…

Geez, there goes my rest. When I was a child, I spoke as a child, I understood as a child, but now that I am a MAN, I have to put away childish things… Which pretty much means decisions, hard work, and responsibility; BUT also the freedom and multiplication of my domain, reaching the people that my heart so desires to bless.

I have been thinking the past few weeks, (and I would like to thank you for being part of this journey), oh yes, I have been thinking and I think creation has held its breathe long enough.

It is time for me to be revealed, to be unleashed upon the world. See, there are some things we will get to talk about, things whose existence in your life you would much rather deny. Of course you are happy; you are your very own higher power… This weakling will be sharing with you, oh mighty one, her journey with the Creator God, aka I AM.